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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4239277
Review #4239277
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Numb and Fading  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
WONDERFUL piece! I totally love this! GREAT WORK!

Plot:
A ghost of a murdered girl watches others at a park bench and sees her murderer kill someone else.

Style and Voice:
Natural and appropriate for this piece

Scene/Setting:
A park bench

Characters:
Ghost, a blond male, and brunette female, with references to a blind man, an ex-boyfriend, a variety of couples, and babies

Dialogue:
None, but none is needed.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...their dreams, hopes, and fears - nightmares of not having the car..." When using a dash in a location that doesn't make official dashes (such as here), use two hyphens instead. Also, don't include a space before or after the dash. "How, by god, can someone like this, love someone like me?" Typically, in a situation like this, when you mean actual "God," you capitalize it. Lower case would be something like, "How, by any god, can someone..." "How many perversions had she willingly, succumbed to..." You don't need a comma in this sentence. "Then she can take then next watch." I assume that is supposed to be "Then she can take the..." instead of "then."

Suggestions:
None--EXCELLENT WORK!!!

Favorite Part:
"I can't smell the leaves.

The autumn perfume vanished long ago, pulling everything else with it - the gentle tickle of the wind, the prickle of the grass beneath my feet, and the vibration of ecstatic laughter. Days and nights have faded into monochromatic grey, washed out and dull. The swaying pines, overgrown paths, and secluded clearings were once wonderful discoveries and sought-out sanctuaries, but now they are a sprawling tomb." Great opening line and that whole paragraph is just AWESOME! You are amazingly talented! "Screams wanted to claw their way out and tear existence apart, but every sunrise burns away another layer of my soul and chars the emotions that tether me to this world." Another fantastic part! Well done! "It had coiled with the silk of the expensive, blue dress my prince had bought, and the rib-rattling pounding in my heart." Wow--just WOW! You are AMAZINGLY talented!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


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