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 Review #4239301 |
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| (4.0)| Howdy! I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!  Overall Impression: Very sweet but sad story--well-written and enjoyable! Plot: Cane runs out to capture a rabbit just before a rainstorm and drowns. Scene/Setting: A village just before, during, and just after a rainstorm Characters: Cheyenne, her grandmother, their leader, and Cane, with references to other villagers. Dialogue: The dialogue is well done and natural. Grammar and Mechanics: "...to the land of Sabbia but when it did it was treacherous down pours..." I'm pretty sure you need a comma both after "Sabbia" and between "did" and the second "it." "Looking up she was in awe of the man standing there." You need a comma after "up." "Where are you going Cheyenne?" There should be a comma after "going." "Cane come back!" There should be a comma after "Cane." "If I do it for her I would be expected to do it for everyone." You need a comma after "her." "...found a soft spot in the wall and pushed threw." You mean "through." "Oh Cane." You need a comma after "oh." "She would take him back to the village and he would be eaten, her people had not had good meat in a long time and Cane was a fit dog." That comma should be a semi-colon because they are both full sentences. "Can had captured the small animal..." I assume that should be "Cane." Suggestions: "...the darkening sky. The omen of a strong storm high in the sky..." Personally, I don't like "sky" twice so close. I'd suggest something like "clouds" maybe? It doesn't ruin things, but I think you can find a better word. "She remembered once an argument between his grandmother and her leader." I'm not sure if this is correct or not. Did you mean between "...her grandmother and her leader?" WdC has a comma class you might be interested in taking. Favorite Part: "Cane, her one loyal companion, nudged her in the arm, his wet nose leaving a mark on her bare skin." I really like that image--nicely done! "Rain was something that did not come often to the land of Sabbia but when it did it was treacherous down pours that flooded the land and washed away the carefully planted saplings and seeds." That's another well-written sentence I'm fond of. "...the sun cycle was changing..." That's a great way to describe the changing seasons! I never would have thought of that! I'd suggest putting line breaks between your paragraphs here for easier reading. It's not too bad without them, but I think it would be better with them. If you're doing this in a word processing program first, such as Microsoft Word, double space if you're finding that a single space isn't carrying over. It works for me. Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!     WHITE WALKERS WIN  
 
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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