Hi River ,

This review is a part of "Game of Thrones"  [13+].

Overall Impression:

This is an interesting story, dear River. It's about three friends, who met under unusual circumstances. They are all different, yet they have something in common. This turns them from strangers, into friends, into brothers. A pack.

The beginning of the story hints at the events of the past. This made me curious enough to want to read on.

The ending of the story is sweet, and I bet we'll see more of this trio.

Suggestions:

I do have some suggestions, dear author. I hope that you will find them helpful!

Paragraph 3:

"Nothing could get any better then this." He said to himself.

"then" should be "than".

Also, the period after "this" should be a comma, "He" should be "he".

Paragraph 4:

"eye's" should be "eyes".

"wants" should be "wanted".

Paragraph 5:

"hings" should be "hung", though I'd be tempted to change it to "lingered".

"happen" should be "happened".

Paragraph 6:

"very thing" should be "everything".

Paragraph 7:

"eye's" should be "eyes".

Nothing could stop them from doing what they do, those are clouds.

I am not really certain what is meant by this sentence. Perhaps: "Nothing could stop the clouds from doing what they wanted to do"?

"happen" should be "happened".

Paragraph 8:

"No." He said.

This should be "No," he said.

"tree's" should be "trees".

Paragraph 9:

"I couldn't have done anything." He said.

This should be "I couldn't have done anything," he said.

Paragraph 10:

I would place a comma after "down".

"thought" should be "through".

I would place a comma after the second "play".

"very thing" should be "everything".

Paragraph 13:

I would place a comma after "on".

I would amend the dialogue part in the same way as highlighted above.

Paragraph 14:

"tree's" should be "trees".

Paragraph 16:

"where" should be "were".

"has" should be "as".

"his self" should be "himself".

Paragraph 18:

"he's" should be "he'd".

"can" should be "could".

Paragraph 19:

I would amend the dialogue part in the same way as highlighted above, and the same goes for other instances in the rest of the piece.

Paragraph 20:

"man" should be "men".

Paragraph 21:

"look" should be "looked".

"pick" should be "picked".

Paragraph 22:

"guy's" should be "guys" in both instances.

Paragraph 23:

"well" should be "will".

Paragraph 25:

River has mild blonde hair, smart for his age, dark blue jeans and a green tank top. His father's dog tags, hang from neck. The only thing left of his family.

Maybe - River had dark blonde hair. He was smart for his age, Linkin knew. The guy wore dark blue jeans and a green tank top, and his father's dog tags hung from his neck. Those tags were the only keepsake he had of his family."

I would place a comma after "Sadly".

I would replace "3" with "three".

Paragraph 26:

"that" should be "who".

He's 19 years old and thinks that the world is his play ground and isn't
going to let anyone tell him other wise. Blue jeans, with holes from were and tare. Light blue, short sleeve t-shirt.

Be careful of the change in tenses here. Maybe - He was 19 years old, and thought that the world was his playground. He sure wasn't going to let anyone tell him otherwise. Axe wore blue jeans, with holes in them from wear and tear. On top, he wore a light blue t-shirt.

Paragraph 27:

Tuff's of it stick out here and there. Green eye's showed just how peaceful he was.

I suggest Tufts of it stuck out here and there. His green eyes radiated his peaceful nature.

Paragraph 28:

It was all because he was a werewolf, but he's not full wolf. He's a half breed. Part human and part wolf.

Maybe - It was all because he was a werewolf. Though he wasn't even a full wolf; he was a half-breed - part human, part wolf.

Paragraph 29:

"very thing" should be "everything".

They meant almost 2.5 year ago.

They met almost two and a half years ago.

Paragraph 30:

"What you think about Link?" River asked.

"What are you thinking about, Link?" River asked.

Paragraph 35 and 36:

I have black short hair, deep green eye's, black jeans, gray tank top and a blue and white button up on. I'm 25 years old.

My life before I meet them was something else. You see, I'm a Pure-Blood. Higher up werewolf. But something very bad happen and so I ran away.


This is a bit of an unusual way to help the reader visualise a character. There's the sudden change in tenses, as well as moving from the third-person to the first-person perspective. Maybe you can indicate that these are his thoughts. That is usually done by using italics. So:

I have short, black hair. Deep green eyes. I'm wearing black jeans, a gray tank top and a blue and white button-up. I'm 25 years old. My life before I met them was very different. You see, I'm a Pure-blood. A higher-up werewolf. But something terrible happened, and I ran away.

Paragraph 37:

"to" should be "too".

Paragraph 38:

"your" should be "you're".

Paragraph 39 and 40:

River smiled. "Don't beat yourself up, Link"

"There wasn't anything you could do about it." He added.

I would join these together: River smiled. "Don't beat yourself up, Link. There wasn't anything you could do about it."

Paragraph 41 and 42:

"But what if I could have?" Linkin said.

"What if I..." River stopped he short and said, "They did it to save you. Stop thinking that you could have done something."

I suggest: "But what if I could have?" Linkin asked. "What if I -"

River stopped him short, and said, "They did it to save you. Stop thinking that you could have done something."

Paragraph 43:

"meet" should be "met".

Paragraph 44 - 49:

Linkin?" River said.

Axe looked at Linkin, closed the small space between them and gave him a hug.

"Linkin, we love you." Axe said. Linkin put his arms around the young man.

"I know. I love you guys too." Linkin said.

Axe let him go and looked Linkin in the eyes and said, "We are family now."

Axe looked at River and added, "This is all we have now. And we don't let the past get between that."

Maybe - Linkin?" Rived asked.

Axe looked at Linkin, closed the small space between them and gave him a hug. "Linkin, we love you."

Linkin put his arms around the young man. "I know. I love you guys, too."

Axe let him go, looked him in the eyes, and said, "We are family." Then he looked at River, and added. "This is all we have now. We can't let the past come between us."

Paragraph 50 and 51:

River looked at Linkin and said, "He's right. We are all we have."

"We need to care for each other." He added.

Maybe - River nodded. "He's right. We are all we have. We need to care for each other."

Paragraph 56:

"house's" should be "house's".

You can join up the next paragraph with this one as well, as I have done above.

Paragraph 59:

"a long" should be "along".

"he" should be him".

Paragraph 60 and 61:

"After all." Link said. River and Axe looked at him.

"We are an unlikely trio." He added.

Maybe - "After all..." Link paused, and River and Axe both turned to look at him. "We are an unlikely trio."

Paragraph 62:

They all laughed. Knowing that this was very true and that nothing could break the bond that they have.

Maybe - They all laughed, knowing that it was the truth. Nothing could break the special bond that they shared.



That is it for my suggestions. I hope that you found them helpful. I also hope that you can make sense of them, as I always try to use as little of the item as possible, out of respect for you, the author, and to not give away too much to other potential readers.



Characters:

Linkin - Linkin is a troubled young man. He faces the demons of his past. His parents gave their lives to save him, and he struggles with this - should he have done something? Could he have done something? He doesn't want to face his destiny. He's run away. All he has left now are his friends.

River - River, too, is alone in the world apart from his friends. An orphan, he wears his father's dog tags because that's all he has to remember him by.

Axe - Axe was rejected because of what he is. Now, he has a new family with Linkin and River.

All three rely on the other. They fear being torn apart, and are determined to not let this happen.

Storyline:

This story reads like the prologue to something bigger, like a novel. It introduces the three characters to us. There are hints at past events, and a political background. It's an interesting piece.

Wording:

The wording is simple, but sweet. It does need to be tidied up a bit - as it is, this appears to be a first draft. With a bit of attention, though, it could be really good.

Presentation:

The layout is easy on the eye. There are a few paragraph breaks that needn't be there, but that is easily solved.

My Rating:

I found this to be an interesting piece. The characters are likable, especially Axe, who comes across as really sweet. I was happy to read it.

I did have quite a few suggestions. This could be a very strong story, but it needs some care and attention for it to reach its full potential. I am sure that you can make it shine, though! For now, however, I will give it a rating of 2 out of 5.

Thank you for sharing your work, and write on!

Kit



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .