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Review #4239675
Viewing a review of:
 
Trip to Palestine  [E]
Paige visits her cousin in Palestine.
by Winnie Kay
Review of Trip to Palestine  
Review by Bobbi
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " !*RainbowR*

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Hello, Winnie Kay , and good evening

It's raid time for House Tyrell, and your name came up as one of the warriors we must defeat in battle (with reviews, of course—I had nothing to do with it... *Whistle*). I really liked the twist to this little story, and there were a couple of suggestions with (gulp) the comma, so I shall rate this little piece with four stars. Here are my rating and reviewing policies for your perusal: "Bobbi's Rating and/or Reviewing Policy" . If you have any questions or concerns regarding your rate and review, feel free to drop me a line (don't be a stranger *Smile*).


A few things I noticed as a reader:

Let's get this out of the way—there were a couple of disputes I saw with the commas:

The old woman had booked a ticket on the desert-caravan to Palestine(,) [13] when she received the news that her second cousin, Kaitlyn Davison[,] [21] was ill.

I'm going to go ahead and assume there's only one second cousin we're talking about. Otherwise, we can take out the commas, too, if we want her to have a huge family (oh, yeah! I used my lesson binder for your review; I do that often, actually).

That's all I saw grammatically. Like I said, I really liked where you took this story. I wasn't expecting the last line, and it's hard to do a twist that I don't find hokey, so hats off to you for that. *Delight* (Naturally, I won't spoil it here on a public review; you will have to read it for yourselves, review-checkers!)

Thank you for allowing me to review your piece. I'm just another reader and writer so use or discard any of my suggestions at your personal discretion. If you make changes and would like me to reassess your piece, feel free to e-mail me. *Mail*

Keep writing and carry on! *ThumbsUpL*

—Brandi of House Tyrell, former Comma Sense student *Shield5*

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/19/2016 @ 7:44am EDT
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