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 Review #4240581 |
| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Gaby ~ Just tired  PLOT - Ansel is curious and wants to eat from the chip, but his father, Claude says he's too young, and reminds him that it's dangerous. What comes next is Claude telling the story of a soul, and how it relates to them now. SETTING - When you become the narrator there is good descriptions going on, how the soul helps, its job, where it goes from here, etc. CHARACTERS - Ansel is young and it's difficult for him to comprehend all that is going on, even when his father does his best to explain it in a way that it's easy for him to digest. GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE - It was a time before modernization. "You mean back when there were castles." Ansel excitedly says. "Even before that." Claude responds. "The dinosaurs?" Ansel says with fascination. "Not that far back." Claude laughs then continues. Around the time humans began, humanity had a connection with the world around them. They were natures' caretakers. They understood the meaning of life and why we live. ~~When you start out- It was a time before modernization---there are two ways you can correct this narrator intrusion. One is to use the story as Claude telling it to his son, meaning adding the quotes, and dialog tags, especially since it's told around the conversation to begin with. Or, you can tell the soul story at the beginning, at least the basics of it and then have the conversation between father and son revolve around it. The way it is now and for most of the story becomes jarring reading through it. I really wanted to hear Claude telling his son everything. Like a hand me down, as his father once told him, and his dad getting the same conversation when he was little. When working with dialog tags, try exploring them. It's not enough to say he said/she shrugged, etc. For instance, you had these sentences: "You mean back when there were castles." Ansel excitedly says. "Even before that." Claude responds. "The dinosaurs?" Ansel says with fascination. "Not that far back." Claude laughs then continues. Look at it another way. "You mean back when there were castles?" Ansel asked excitedly, his eyes growing wide in wonder. "Even before that," Claude affirms. Ansel ponders that for a moment. "The dinosaurs?" Claude laughs,"Not that far back." He loves that his son has taken an interest, and that he has such an inquisitive mind, knowing that it will help him to understand all the wonders of ones soul. Add detail to the important parts of the story. There is so much here you can work with. It's a fascinating topic. Write on!   
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You responded to this review 07/20/2016 @ 11:46pm EDT