*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4247333
Review #4247333
Viewing a review of:
  The Cure for Hypothermia  [GC]
During a winter storm in MA on a dairy farm , Sue meets Billy the new handiman
by vladsgirl
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose - REOPE...  
Rated: GC | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation

PLOT -
A girl spends most of her time at her friends Jo's farm and there she meets the new hand, Billy and an attraction begins between the two of them.

SETTING -
A snowstorm sets in. You described the snow and cold well enough. The story moved too fast, with gaps in major parts of the connection between your two main characters.

CHARACTERS -
Main character has no name. She is in college and spends bad travel days at Jo's house. Billy has an interest in the main character.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
I was her unofficial eighth kid

His markings made him look like he was laughing at me

Her dining room boasted an old fashioned farm house table that was gtwice

I looked at her freckled face as sje--she watched me watch Billy.

The dialog was natural. However, when two different people are speaking during a conversation it needs to be broken into two paragraphs instead of combined in one. There are other spelling errors in this piece, and it could use a good edit.

THOUGHTS -
The intimacy between your main characters happened too quickly. If that was the major plot point, of getting these two together and showing the attraction, it missed its mark. You do have good descriptive skills, especially when they were at the dinner table, and again when Billy rescued her from the pack of wild dogs. He took great care of her when her clothes were soaked. I could tell he genuinely cared for her.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4247333