Hello, Lawrence :)

Lots of interesting things are happening in your short story. The twist at what will be the midpoint — the end of this excerpt — is wonderful. I'll have to come back tomorrow and see what happens next.

A few notes I made while reading:


“You said we shouldn’t be running inside the house. -> we shouldn't run inside - sounds more natural

“Not now sweetie.” -> comma before name or title of person addressed in dialogue, ie. "Not now, sweetie."

“No honey I didn’t. James do you...?” -> "No, honey, I didn't. James, do you—?" -> when speech trails off, and ellipsis is used by pressing 'alt' on the keyboard and simultaneoulsy 0133 to give … However, if speech is interrupted by another, then an emdash is better, 'alt' 0151 giving —

“Love you too.” Ashley says COMMA unenthusiastically to no one. -> a comma, not a period, should separate the dialogue from its tag/beat, if that tag describes the speaking of the dialogue. If the tag is a separate action from the speech, then a period is used.

he will just have to remember it at lunch like he know he will. -> like he knows he will

“That’s great sir! -> great, sir - you use a lot of exclamation marks. They're usually only used to imply the person shouted. I don't think your character shouts that much.

The receptionist is a short Asian young man who does not -> I feel you may need to revise comma use. Here, you use multiple adjectives to qualify one noun. A comma should be used to separate the adjectives from one another, similar to how a comma is used to separate things in a list, like this is Rita, Sue, Debby and Kate. -> The receptionist is a short, Asian, young man, who does not

Sorry, I can’t doing anything about that.” -> is this his accent or an error?

“James Barber?” She greets with a smile. -> she greets HIM with


Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,

Bob :D






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .