Hello Vanishing Vapor !

My initial feeling about this poem is there are some great metaphors that are utilised very effectively to show the intense emotions you wish to express. There's great strength to the emotions, and the reader really gets a feeling for your pain. The flow of the poem is great because it follows logically from the split (forgive me, but I'm presuming the loss of a loved one here) to the feelings this split generated in the protagonist, to the eventual effect of the event on the future wellfare of the protagonist.

But, part of my job is to point out where I feel improvements can be made.

First, I note a change of tense from the fourth to the fifth line, from past tense to present. This tense change is confusing because the fifth line implies that the 'watering' still continues. Perhaps, 'I depended upon you…' in past tense.

Personally, and this may only be me, I felt the range of metaphors used in the poem were too wide. All were good, but they went from one end of the spectrum to another. I feel it might be stronger if you kept within a narrower range of images.

For example, the opening analogy of an amputation was fantastic, but then in line five the whole theme changes to one of plants being watered. Why not retain the original idea and find something there that relates closer to the idea of amputation.

Say, an image of blood pumping through that limb and nourishing it, but now the limb is deprived of that nutrition (love/caring) and so now shrivels for lack of that union, followed by the idea that the limb has no purpose without the body to direct it or without its function to provide food/comfort/love whatever to the body from which is was amputated.

Obviously, following those thoughts, you'd have a very different poem. However, it's just what came to my mind as I read.

Thanks again for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .