Hello Schnujo is Late to Lannister !

I am your local and frolicking SB here. I'm reviewing today on behalf of the Simply Positive group. I hope this review gives you a little bit of sunshine for your day.

Below is my review of your item beginning with Corrections:

Corrections/Suggestions
First impression- So, this story with a June bug hitting one of the characters chests. This is a fun and funny introduction but I might give a little more detail of things around and the quality of the summer air. I'm guessing they're outside so is it still clammy warm, humid, can you smell certain things? Just to bring us in with the characters on this summer night. You expand out details as the story moves on so I like what you share with us.

My shirt sticks to my stomach from the heat of the summer night.-

Like this sentence featured above is a great example of you giving us the details of it still being clammy out even though it's nighttime.

There is a little bit of switching between present and past tense. It seems like you mainly have this within present so I'd just play with those areas. Such as:

I wondered wonder if I’d made a mistake by kissing her.


Plot/Setting/Concept

This story has the plot of a summer romance for it. I really enjoyed the realness of the main character and Alex. How it's very understandable to doubt yourself and double think things. It just reads as very real because even when they do kiss the thoughts are about the clammy, hot weather and sweating too much.

The setting needed to be outside since we need to focus on summer with this contest. I highlighted the area where you really tackled those descriptions with featuring this summer element. I like how you start things off with a June bug and also have fireflies flying around at night. All great nature elements of summertime.

The concept is a summer romance, following that as a prompt for this story. I like how you put your unique voice in these two characters. There's doubt in the one which is very realistic and the thought process I can totally follow. Did I do this right, are we moving at the right pace, all racing through their head.

Things Which I Enjoyed
The part with the firefly and her chasing it and it landing on her nose is well described. Also, it shows us a lot about these two characters without you telling us everything. I also liked how the relationship and the one character's thoughts. I also like how you ended this story that the girl basically takes control of what's going on.

Overall Comments
Overall, I think this is a story that you tackled the 'summer' prompt very well. The only areas I have for suggestions for you to play with is maybe showing us the heat/humidity sooner. Also, just the little tense changes as well are easy fixes. I hope this little review of mine is helpful. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .