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Review #4252364
Viewing a review of:
Secret Cave Swim  [ASR]
"The crystal waters beckoned her, calling to her thirst, promising refreshment..."
by Schnujo is Late to Lannister
Review of Secret Cave Swim  
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


Hello Schnujo is Late to Lannister,

my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.


That was a beautiful scene and you made good use of the prompt. The beginning showed clearly how the image inspired this vignette and it was easy to imagine the character in the picture. This could easily be a part from a longer work, the prologue of a novel perhaps, because you made me want to know more about the character and her circumstances.

The character was very intriguing, not least because you left the readers with a few questions about her. It wasn’t clear if she was human, although this line,

a hybrid born of nightfall and silver

seemed to indicate that she was not. I would have liked more descriptions about her, what she looked like, and more backstory, like what she was afraid of and why she was one of the last of her kind. One thing that jumped out at me was the fact that she didn’t have a name, and I would suggest adding one right in the first paragraph. If she has no name, then perhaps mentioning that somehow would work.

You showed the conflict, her fear and how careful she had to be to avoid discovery, very well. As it happened, she was careful enough and there was no danger, although for a brief moment I thought she might have been when Her heart began to flutter which I took as a sign that something was about to happen. But nothing did; she went on her way as carefully as she had come and the scene was over. So there was no definitive climax as such, but it wasn’t really a story with a beginning, middle and end, more like a scene.

There was no dialogue but you made the character’s thoughts very clear, enabling the readers to understand her actions. The descriptions were excellent and I had a very clear picture of the scene in my mind as I was reading.

Technically, the story was very good; I didn’t stumble across any errors but if I wanted to be very picky, I did have to read this line twice,

Using only her eyes until they’d penetrated every darkened corner in her field of vision, only then did she slowly move

I would suggest replacing “Using” with “She used” and replacing the comma with a semicolon. To me, that would make the meaning a little clearer.

Overall, I thought this was a very evocative scene and I hope you find some inspiration in this piece to write more about this intriguing character and her world.



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