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 Review #4252387 |
| (4.0)| Hello Chris24, my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.I could imagine how the prompt inspired this story, but to be totally sure I would have needed a few more details to actually ‘see’ this cave, or lab, or… what it turned out to be at the end. The connection to the prompt wouldn’t have immediately jumped out at me had I not known that this was written for the contest. I enjoyed listening to the characters’ banter though. They worked well together and especially the narrator’s personality came across quite well. There was something slightly too casual in his approach to his job, at least that was how I perceived it, and even though the scientists made a half-hearted attempt to remind him of his duties, the way he spoke to her was still more like they were sitting in a bar after work, not in the middle of a potentially dangerous situation. It said a lot about him that he behaved in this way and made his character quite intriguing. The conflict was easy to understand, even if it wasn’t caused by the narrator as he first thought, and for me the structure worked very well – a few jokes at the beginning, some theories what the place might have been, but the actual purpose wasn’t clear until the characters found out right at the end. And with that revelation, the story ended. It was nicely done, a good ending. The dialogue sounded natural but, like I said, didn’t strike me as particularly realistic for the situation. I got quite a good sense of the setting and the atmosphere from the descriptions but since you had some words left to play with, I would have liked to see more details. The narrator’s list of items they discovered, examination tables, clean rooms, refrigeration chambers, scanners, dissection equipment, was really pretty much all the readers got and I think a bit more might have worked well. The story was very polished and flowed well; I only noticed one tiny error, Its progressing down through a series which I think should say, “It’s” – “It is progressing…” Overall, it’s a unique story and you have a good start here. I think the tale could use a bit more detail and perhaps some clarification why the narrator is quite so casual in this situation, but other than that, it was a good read!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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