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Review #4252403
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of The Portal  
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


Hello Kenzie,

my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.


The image featured quite prominently in this story and it was easy to see how it inspired it. You described the lake beautifully, and especially the light in the middle made the two characters very curious. The characters were well drawn; the readers could identify with their need to do something other than what was expected of them, and their motivation to go off on their own and have some fun came across very well. You included a few details about their backstory and the readers got a good idea about their different personalities as well.

The plot was interesting but the story had an unfinished feel to it. Just as the girls stepped out of the lake and realised that something wasn’t quite right, and met the strange man who had suddenly appeared – it ended. I wasn’t sure if you had done that on purpose because it certainly left the readers guessing what had happened and who he was. For me, it didn’t really work because there were too many possibilities and as far as I could tell, you hadn’t hinted at any so explain what was going on. Since you had nearly half the word left to play with, I would have preferred if you had chosen a direction for this story and continued it, letting in play out what was to happen rather than leaving it to the readers to imagine.

The dialogue was good and conveyed character, and there were some lines that really showed the characters’ age and personality, for example this one,

if we die, I'll kill you."

I liked the descriptions; I got a good sense of the setting and you created some clear images in my mind. The story was quite polished and I only noticed a few very minor errors:

Being a bad girl has it's perks
You need “its” without the apostrophe, which is the possessive form of it, meaning 'of it'.

Both girls laughed as the sat on the edge
Just a typo, “as they sat…”

pool that was glittering int he fading light
Again, a typo, “in the.”

Overall, I think you have a good start here, and if you took some time to give the story a bit more detail and a fitting ending, I think this would be an excellent tale.



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