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Review #4252971
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Review by eyestar~*
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Rated: | (4.0)
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*Balloonp* Welcome to WDC! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Delight*


*Castle*Wow! The tone and atmosphere are strong as I feel the uselessness of war in the aftermath you describe. I liked reading it out loud with its heavy sounds and off rhythm. The pauses in the midlines were effective for drama as well. Good job.

It is a rather free style and the rhyme scheme is intact. The off rhymes are interesting in lines 1 and 2. I pondered on what "brought in" meant.
Lines 3 and 4 do not rhyme but are connected by the long i sound and the ending in d. Not sure how to fix that as the message is important here. The last two lines flow really well and sum the lesson effectively. Wisdom well said! *Thumbsup*

The punctuation is purposeful and assists the reading. I did think a comma would be better after "greed" as "the past" is the reminder, so the two lines are connected. *Wink*
I just had a thought: the walls were now rotten".*Laugh* Though rock erodes not rots. LOL
Ah well, good to play.

Thanks for sharing your vivid vision and allowing me to play in your world. *Starstruck*
Take what is light and leave the rest for fodder.*Bird*

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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   *CheckG* You last responded to this review 08/24/2016 @ 5:29pm EDT
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