Hello GirlyPinkly !

I am your local and frolicking SB here. I'm reviewing today on behalf of the Simply Positive group. I hope this review gives you a little bit of sunshine for your day.

Below is my review of your item beginning with Corrections:

Corrections/Suggestions
First impression- I wanted to say hello to you and welcome to WDC! You are a brand new case and if you need help with anything on this site don't hesitate to ask me and I'll try my best to help out. With that said I think this is a very sweet poem and I do have some suggestions for you:

With the first stanza I was a little confused about where we were going. You say to write down the spark and I'd just maybe reword some things to make it clearer what is being said. My main trip up was the 'dear of flake' and the wording of the first line of the first stanza. So, my suggestion would be:

Write down waking spark
I came to see the one
and only dear of flake
Who came to be

I would play with the repetition of hands in the third stanza and maybe switch out for a different synonym as a suggestion. You could go with hold/palm/extremity, etc. I would also play with the repetition of 'her' within the fourth stanza removing it when it isn't needed and switching out for a different word. This is just so it doesn't become too repetitive but this is just a suggestion.

I would also play with the usage of 'hold' within the fourth stanza and maybe remove it from 'hold house work' to just 'house work' since it isn't needed as much.

Even these words cannot bring that such
-

This part reads a little jumbled though I know what you're trying to say with it. I would maybe take out the 'that' with this part since it isn't needed as much.


Rhythm/Rhyming

There is some random rhyming without here and some parts the rhythm is a little thrown off with there being a lot more syllables in certain parts tapering down to less syllables. I say this is an easy fix though just taking out 'extra' words and playing with it a little. Like with the third stanza and the second and third lines within there.

Things Which I Enjoyed
'Her wrinkled skin glowing as ever
Smiles at me looking with eyes of glitter.

This two lines are very sweet and I really feel like you convey the love for her within this stanza, and also throughout the entire poem I could feel the affection you had for your grandma.

Overall Comments
Overall, this is a sweet poem about that person who you love and miss because of those wonderful small moments you used to share together. I thought you conveyed this really well and it was a very heartfelt poem. There are just some areas where words are repeated that aren't needed as much that you can play with and other suggestions for you to use if you want to. I hope this little review of mine is helpful. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .