Greetings JMRobison

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 3 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
It's an interesting story. I do enjoy strong women and Altarn definitely fits that category. Her anger and irritation of men is palpable and screams off the page. I liked that she wants to follow her instincts and impressions when it comes to Kaelin. And the added confidant of Ratavia adds depth to your main character.

What I Liked Best:
I like that your main character is at odds with everyone, but very sure of herself, though she does have a few questions. She is willing to pursue them to get the answers and help she needs. That's a good thing.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
The opening sentence put a clear image in my mind. You used great descriptions to kick off this chapter.

Opening Paragraph:
The opening paragraph had good descriptions, showing the reader a glimpse of the woman and had me as a reader wondering who she was and what her hurry was all about.

Plot:
Altarn is on the brink of war, believing that her State may be taken from her underhandedly. The rest of her court seems to disagree, all made up of men, aside from one other woman. Most are still under the believe women have no place in politics. Altarn will need to figure out if she's going to be taken over, if her impression are accurate, and try to find ally to help her defend her State.

Character Development:
Your main character, as well at Ratavia were well rounded, having many layers to them. They trust each other, encourage one another. Altarn is strong, both physically and mentally.

Dialog:
Dialogue worked well. I could follow along easy enough and get a clearer picture of each of your characters, even the secondary ones.

Spelling & Punctuation: Again, be sure. Offer helpful examples
No issues

Grammar:
No issues

Continuity:
Good flow. I could follow the action along well enough. It is a long chapter, with a lot of information to digest.

Form:
You have a good sense of description that pulls me into the story as a reader.

Clarity:
The plot is clearly defined.

Hook:
Learning who Altarn is was the hook at the beginning. The ending has her contemplating taking on another identity to go in search for help that she will need if she's to go to war.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
You have a solid first chapter, with a lot to work with in coming chapters. It left me with questions about a few of the secondary characters and their loyalty

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:
The only thing that I wondered about was the asking if she wanted a musician.

Rhythm & Meter:
The story moved a strong pace, nothing seemed to slow it down.

CLOSING STATEMENT
I enjoyed your first chapter. You have clearly defined characters, who have problems that they need to solve. Your main character has a few and had me wondering if a good man would come into her life to make her stance about them change. The friendship between Altarn and Ratavia worked really well and was refreshing.

Your Purple is House Florent




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .