Greetings ShadowHawke

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 3 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
I liked the mystery of the story that surrounds the woman, her missing memory and not being able to grasp the last five years. However, I'm not sure about the plausibility of the story. If she is that sick from taking the medication, how is it possible for her to best those men and kill them? That takes strength which she doesn't possess.

What I Liked Best:
Her missing memory adds depth to the story and as a reader it made me curious to find out what the missing gaps could mean. I also wanted to know more about her, why she was so isolated and what kind of training she'd had previously.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
A woman steps onto a road where aging cement and buildings surround her. It's a vivid picture of her surroundings.

Opening Paragraph:
The hook in the first paragraph has the reader questioning why she had a life of solitude and who the woman is.

Plot:
I believe the plot is about a woman who's been sick, taking a medicine that restores youth, but the meds take a toll on her body. She stays close to her area and doesn't have much outside interactions. I'm not exactly sure what the full plot is at this point.

Character Development:
Your main character is ill, taking a medicine that she believes has been provided by Lord Toran. She has skill in killing, vague memories of fighting beside others.

Dialog:
Very minimal dialogue.

Spelling & Punctuation:
At first she considered not starting the treatment but the first note convinced her that the risk she took may open her lost memory.

At her current pace, she would be entering her own territory in the next quarter hour.

Her body ached but seemed findfine and the bruise on her shoulder now all but gone.

Grammar:
You have a good grasp of grammar

Continuity:
The flashback of memory seemed to work and add to the backstory.

Form:
The story follows her through the streets, while she's aware of being followed. It moved at a good pace.

Clarity:
I'm not sure about the plot. There are a lot of questions to be answered.

Hook:
Hooks vary in degrees. There should be a hook after the first paragraph and at the end of the chapter.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION
Structure:
I think the vision she has at the end would work better if you played it out instead of telling the reader about it. You show the fight scenes with the men following her, who won't make an appearance again, but this pivotal point is told to the reader.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:
There are a lot of repeats in the story close to each other. For instance using 'as' and 'which'. They begin to stand out and take away from the story.

Rhythm & Meter:
Some of the backstory slows the flow of the story. Then the action returns and it moves forward, and then back again with information drops.


CLOSING STATEMENT
Strong women characters are always appealing. There is an obvious appeal to learn more about your main character. Think about showing more of the backstory with dialogue, instead of telling the reader about it. The memory loss is intriguing, as well as the medicine she's taking that makes her more youthful. I wanted to what what the deal was she made with Lord Toran.

Purple is House Florent



Gives us this:

A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.