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Review #4257243
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Sarah  
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: E | (3.0)
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*Bookstack* *Books3**Books4**Books5**Books6**Books1*
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings ShadowHawke:

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH #3 !


WRITING SKILLS and CRAFT

*Bookstack* Plot and Character Development:
We open with a woman who is on mission, through apparently dangerous territory, to obtain some medication that restores her youth. She laments how, when she takes it, it makes her weak and violently ill. Yet she manages, in her feeble, I-can-barely-walk-because-I-need-my-medication state, to do battle to the death with at least four highly-trained soldier assassins, single-handedly kills them all, and then meanders on her way, in her sick, aging, old-lady way to get her medication. Is she human? Is she a machine? Is this dream? I have no sense of logic or understanding of exactly what's happening in this chapter or what the goals of my protagonist are.

A wise reviewer who is a multi published novelist, writing instructor, and a mentor of mine says this about the first chapter: "In your first chapter your main character and protagonist must be named and identified. The protagonist needs to have clear goals. The goals need to matter, at least to the protagonist. By the end of the first chapter, there has to be an obstacle to achieving those goals. Tension arises from raising the stakes (why the goals matter) and increasing the obstacles. Indeed, the heart of good plotting derives from clear and credible goals, both for the protagonist and for the oppositional characters. Again, I think the protagonist's goals are critical to the first chapter."

*Bookstack* Spelling Punctuation Grammar (SPG):

While I noticed no ongoing SPG errors, I feel it's prudent on my part as a reviewer, to address a writing tic that is affecting your prose in a most profound way.

When you want to indicate she is moving or looking or hearing, for some reason you give the sensory connection to the body part, instead of to her (as a whole being). It's rampant throughout the chapter and very distracting. Phrases like: Her eyes saw the others coming, her feet stepped quietly, her hand felt the cold wall, her ears heard the man, and so many more are not just incorrect writing, they are physically impossible. Eyes can't see; they receive stimuli and sent it to he brain where it is processed into working information. But they cannot act on their own, neither can a limb, a nose, or an ear. These body parts do nothing but receive and transmit information to the brain. I strongly suggest rewording each and every instance where you do this.

*Bookstack* Continuity:
I have seen cases on WDC where a writer has a thorough mastery of crafting a flashback, but such scenes are among the most difficult to perfect. Indeed, I would not attempt it myself even though I have a good understanding of the science of crafting it. I ask you to consider tell this story in chronological order.

Now, that said, I do realize that when, and if, her memory returns, it's likely to be in bits and pieces that you will need to pepper in, but pay attention to crafting them. Read them aloud to yourself and make sure they work. This is where real skill and attention to the most minute detail must come into play. Take your time with it, and don't hesitate to re-work it over and over until you know you've got it right. The satisfaction you will feel in that moment is unparalleled. Write to me when it happens and I'll celebrate with you! *Confettip*

*Bookstack* Form:
A lot of sentences start with the word, SHE. Indeed, She isn't given a name until the seventh paragraph.Just a thought: You do not need to hold off on naming her in order to illustrate her lack of memory because you are using the voice of an omniscient narrator (O.N.) to tell the story. And any O.N. worth his or her salt, knows everything, including the name of an amnesiac.

*Bookstack* Clarity and Hook:
I'm not sure where this story is going. But I am wondering, at the chapters' conclusion, if this woman isn't an android or something and she doesn't know it. That would explain the references to the sensory biologies as having minds of their own like little disembodied mini assists. If I'm completely off base, and I think I probably am, this story needs clarifying.

I chose to address the matter of a hook in this section, because if reader doesn't know what's going on, even the very best hook isn't going to work because it will be misunderstood.

When I read the final sentence, I am left with the question which life; the one she is now living or the one she can't remember? How is she so weak she can barely walk, yet strong enough to bring down a passel of armed assassins all by herself. This is more than "smart" warfare on her part; it's brute strength. She is plunging heavy swords through thick, hardened leather and flesh. How is that possible? There is no explanation and therefore no logic. I am confident of one thing, though: those aren't the questions you want me to have right there.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT

As I noted above, some thorough revision is needed for clarification and identification, during which you will find several missing words and a few typos.


Thank you for joining in the Competition. Should you decide to revise once the competition is over, I'd be glad to re-review your chapter.

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