Hello, Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Let's be honest here. I'm not a fair judge of this because you already had me when you mentioned time travel in the description, lol. I looooove time travel stories. Also, to be realistic, any reader who opens your book has already read the blurb on the dust cover and knows this fact.

However, pushing that aside, your opening paragraphs lack any significant hook. I mean, for me the mention of the question on time travel he had to answer was enough of a hook. But for someone coming to this chapter cold, without reading the dust cover, there's nothing in your opening to hook. Sorry.

Putting that aside, the narration is very engaging, and there are lots of great hooks later. For example, Annie's insistance that she met a French soldier from the Napoleonic Wars was great. Then there was the arrival of the creepy guy. Then there's the FBI agent. Great! Then the actual time travel at the end… if the reader isn't hooked by then, this is not their genre. :)

Characters — are they well rounded?


This is clearly your greatest strength. Justin is an amazingly well rounded character from the get go. It's like a checklist of the perfect, three-dimensional sympathetic character. I mean, does he pat the puppy? Does he have any little problems that might make us feel sorry for him, like eye strain? Does he have any interests outside the plot, eg. doing a PhD or something. Does he have a quirky surname that raises questions in this reader's mind? Do we have shown clues what he looks like, say mention of gym work etc And all this within the first page. Brilliant!

The secondary characters—Annie, Mazaeus and Special Agent Corbett, are also extremely well introduced, with fantastic features that make them stand out from the crowd, like Mazaeus' scar and Corbett's vinegar face, lol. Wonderful stuff.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


Yes! A 100% yes. This opener definitely hints at a huge conflict where some kind of time control agents are chasing a fugitive, and Justin has to come along.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Yup! This story is going everywhere and everywhen in a huge hurry. No problems here!

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Fantastic! Lines like 'She looked like he'd tried to hand her Ebola-infested toilet paper.' and 'Light, an impossible ocean of brilliant light, flowed from the phone and swirled around them. A thousand needles pricked his skin, and an electric tingle zinged down his back. His stomach roiled, and the ache in his head exploded. The light swirled and howled, and the world spun in a dizzying whorl.' really stand out in this reader's mind.

There were a few, tiny errors. See suggestions below. Because of the quantity of errors, I don't feel I can give this category full marks, but the wonderful similes and etc make me wish I could.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


Yes. Especially Mr. Mazaeus and Annie. Both have wonderful voices.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Absolutely. Especially the time travel moment already noted. There were, however, moments where I felt the senses of taste and smell might have been brought in to better ground the reader, helping to create that illusion that the reader is really there, the suspension of disbelief.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Yup! You address gender issues with tact, and also the need to care for the less well off. It's too early in the book to see if other major issues are brought up, but… it's time travel. Your theme already has me hooked!

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

I did have quite a few thoughts while reading through. I'm not promising this is everything that may be wrong with your chapter, and you may disagree with some of the things I say, but here are my thoughts anyway:-


behind the front desk of the Holiday Inn -> behind the front desk of the Middleton Holiday Inn — 'cause you know readers skip titles, right?

the dim lighting favored by management at 2AM made him squint to read the equations. Lack of sleep and eyestrain conspired to create a knob of pain -> this line made me think he was a tad stupid, which he clearly isn't. I mean, if you were completely on your own, surely you'd bring along your own desk lamp to use once everyone else had gone?

qualifying exam? He wasn't qualifying for a Nobel Prize -> He wasn't applying for… to avoid echo, unless you prefer that.

disappeared toward the smoker's corner -> smokers' — I presume there was more than one smoker employed at this hotel?

He'd expected Annie to show up. He'd even salvaged a chicken Kiev dinner from the restaurant for her. He gave his textbook a forlorn look, closed it, and pulled the sack with the meal from where he'd hidden it under the desk. He couldn't really afford a break, but poor Annie needed him. / He shivered -> How many 'He's in a row? Variation, pls. ;)

She accepted the sack containing the meal and moonlight glimmered in her sunken eyes. -> Okay, so far you've given us very little sensory information besides vision and hearing. I mean, okay, he shivered. That's cool, and good showing, however here he's talking to an elderly lady who perhaps hasn't bathed in a year, holding a chicken Kiev meal in his hands, and there's her trolly full of junk, and yet he still doesn't SMELL anything? Does this guy have no sense of smell? ;)

God Bless you -> God bless you, unless Bless has found its way into the Hundred Names of Allah this year.

He'd lose his job if he let her in lobby again.-> in the lobby

A smile lit her features and she stuck out a foot -> comma after 'features'

More importantly, there was no boyfriend either, at least not since Kyle had dumped him -> consider new sentence from 'At least'.

Headlights flashed and a car pulled into the passenger loading area. -> comma after 'flashed'. This seems like a common issue. Check out the section on comma use in The Elements of Style. Where a sentence consists of two clauses with grammatically different subjects, and 'and' or 'but' are used to join them, a comma is mandatory. I won't comment on this kind of comma use again. Perhaps it's a style thing with you, but it reads funny to me.

Justin looked him in the eye and -> eye or eyes?

How can I help you?" -> maybe a Brit Eng thing, but 'How may I help you?'

The man twisted his mouth downward and glared at him. -> don't really need the directional component 'at him' at the end, since Justin's pov is now firmly established and we'll assume all actions are directed toward him unless told otherwise.

Justin's dimples faded. -> cute, but it is a minor pov violation since Justin can't see his own dimples and probably wouldn't notice them fading. However, personally, I'd leave this in. It's great character building and showing of what's happening.

even though this guy was probably a just gynecologist or some such -> probably just a gynecologist - unless he's an unusually law abiding gynecologist. ;)

One of those will be sufficient, sir -> cut 'of those'

there were too many new countries popping up all over the place to keep track of them all -> lol. Great line. But, you could cut 'of them all'.

Justin fingered the bills, rang up the sale, made change, and pocketed the difference. -> I'd expect much more of a reaction here. From what's just passed, the reader knows Justin is now pocketing over a hundred dollars, possibly a hundred thirty? That's an extraordinary tip for a night shift guy who normally sees few guests. I'm sure he'd be over the moon and imagining what treats he could get himself, or Annie, with that. Also, it's an opportunity to introduce another interest to help his character rounding, eg. something extremely geeky like a particular comic book or Pokemon card, or something that indicates an artistic temprement, like a new size whatever oil paint brush or perhaps the latest Stephanie Meyer novel or something. (what he reads will really give us an idea of what he's like, his interests. A Bernard Cornwell or Simon Scarrow historical fiction book aboout the Napoleonic Wars would be particularly well placed here.)

When he filed the registration form -> filled in the - maybe that's a Brit Eng thing

he saw that Mazaeus had filled it out using an angular script he didn't recognize. -> cut 'that' as it's redundant. I have a rule of thumb regarding that 'that' that I don't know that I need. I cover that 'that' that I'm unsure about with that thumb of mine and then read that sentence aloud. If that sentence reader just fine without that 'that' that I'm not sure about, then I delete that 'that' that I don' need. ;)

generous heap of sugar and creamer. -> creamer? Perhaps that's something you have in the States. Otherwise, did you mean 'cream'? - although you do make good use of this later to show how the inside of his mouth feels as he wakes, you miss the opportunity here to show the bitter-sweet taste of the coffee and it's burning or cold temperature as he drinks. This is where you can get in sense of TASTE.

She flashed a badge at him. -> cut 'at him' - same reason as before.

"You must mean Mr., uh, Mazaeus." -> I'd tend to use ellispes for speech trailing off like this, ie. 'You must mean Mr… uh… Mazaeus.

Justin placed the card on the front desk and slid it toward her. -> and slid it over.

Besides, she might have gotten that badge on the internet. Or Badges R Us. - both are fantastic, but I'd choose one and run with it. We're in action now, so no need to slow the narrative too much. BTW, can't you go into 'insert character' in your Word and make the R reversed like in the Toys R us sign? :)

Besides, he was ***** off at her officious manner and wanted keep an eye on her. - wanted to keep

Ankh cross that hung from a leather strap about his heck - what the heck? (Yorkshire saying)

Her jaws jumped like she was chewing on crickets. "All right. Put on your pants. -> nice simile! However, I had plausibility issues. I'm sure any police officer or agent wouldn't grant him any latitude here. They'd prefer to see him in his natural state rather than risk him reaching for something hidden to use as a weapon.

Where did he go, anyway?"-> At this point, I had another plausibility issue. I mean, he's just seen her fire a gun at a man, and then the man disappeared into the ether. Both those events are enough to send the average person into shock, but he's acting as if he's sleeping through a lecture, just asking the questions the plot requires him to ask right now. I feel he should exhibit a much stronger reaction.

She punched something onto the screen of her phone and then stuffed her gun back in her purse.
-> She punched something onto her phone's screen, then stuffed her gun back in her purse. - tighter

At the end, I did wonder if you might create a slightly stronger hook if you eneded the story earlier, at the moment he begins to time travel but before he arrives in Chicago. This would leave a potentially bigger question in the reader's mind, more of a cliff hanger, if they don't know what's actually happened. As it is, the ending is pretty much resolved because the reader learns both where and when we are. Usually, unresolved first chapters create a bigger hook. However, after consideration, I decided I liked this just as it is, but didn't want to skip mentioning this doubt in case you are of a different opinion.


Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


Brilliant! This is just the kind of book I enjoy reading. A wonderful, engaging character, real settings, and stuff happening that's out of this (real) world.


Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .