Hello again, Prosperous Snow celebrating

What I liked

I loved the theme of this parody, the way in which your muse causes insomnia and makes you productive at writing but threatens your day job. That's fantastic. Also, you can't beat a bit of Dolly!

What might need work

The idea of the parody contest was to talk about the writing site. You've successfully spoken about your feelings as a writer, but not referenced the site in any way.

I worked through the original lyrics for the opening verse, and then your parody. The syllable counts, the system of meter, and the rhymes are different.

Take the original verse:

A Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen (syllables:13) scan: .-.-.-.-.-.-.
A Pour myself a cup of ambition (syllables:9) scan: .-.-.-.-.
B Yawn and stretch and try to come to life (syllables:9) scan: .-.-.-.-.
C Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin' (syllables:11) scan: .--.---...-
C Out on the street the traffic starts jumpin' (syllables:10) scan: .--.-.-..-
B With folks like me on the job from nine to five (syllables:11) scan: -.-.--.-.-.

Granted, they rhyme is forced, relying more on assonance and near rhyme than true rhyme, but the intention is clear. I mean, life and five only rhyme if you ignore constonants.

Then compare with your version:

A I stumble through my front door and go into my bedroom (syllables:9) scan: -.-.-.-..-.-.-.-
B Lookin' forward to a good night's sleep (syllables:9) scan: .-.-.-...
A I make the room dark as Tutankhamun's tomb (syllables:11) scan: -.-..-.-.-.
C Then I lay there starin' at the ceilin' (syllables:10) scan: -..-.-.-.-
C Waitin' for my thoughts to stop freewheelin' (syllables:10) scan: .-.-.-.-.-
C And the voice of my muse to stop her squealin' (syllables:11) scan: --.--.-.-.-

Now, my scansion skills are debatable, and I am British and so have different stress patterns, so I may have got some of those beats wrong (. for stressed syllable, - for unstressed) but I'm pretty sure your meter is the inverse of Dolly's in most places. Sorry Hope I haven't offended you too much with my opinion.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .