Hello, stephen

What I liked

It's a cool acrostic. I love that you've taken the modern, text approach to this using 'u' instead of 'you' and also how the story follows a smooth chronological flow and also includes conflict. Also, you have some great assonance and alliteration going on within several lines. Nice and subtle.

What might need work

While the story has a nice flow, I have two suggestions about that.

First, "Love Adusu, I love u so much." Everything after the first 'love' is fine, but beginning 'Love Adusu' doesn't make sense if this is spoken as a sentence. I mean, "Adusu, I love u so much" is fine. And, "Love Adusu. I love her so much." is also fine. But what you have doesn't exactly make sense as it is, if you follow my drift.

Second, while you've shown the chronological flow of meeting your lady, still consider beginning your poem with the conflict, ie. Betrayal -> Unhappy thoughts -> It started on the web -> she writes me often -> finally I've found you -> We'll never be parted.

Then, give a little thought to vocabulary choice. Yes, this is free verse acrostic, so no need for rhyme or meter. However, there are still ways you can make the language more powerful by choosing the right words.

For example, instead of "Can anyone take us apart" consider "Dare anyone tear us apart" (which maintains the assonance) or other choices, like "Can anyone rip us apart" or "Dare anyone come betwixt our love". Use words which are emotive and imply conflict, violence, loud sounds and generally are as concrete as possible to give strength to your piece.

"And she writes me very often" -> "And she writes me… every day/ten times a week (keeps the assonance better)/with passion/words I dare to trust/words that inflate my heart - something that either is concrete or more emotional. Ideally, avoid the word 'very' in poetry, unless it's metered and you need it for the syllables or stress. I mean, it does work in the assonance, but assonance is subtle, and there are many word choices you can make that are both stronger and yet maintain assonance.

Occasionally, I've tried…

Be careful with the last sentence. Ideally, it should form some kind of strong conclusion or resolution to your poem. At the moment it's ambiguous. To me it implies that you've never met her in person and only exchanged messages with her on the internet. However, I don't think that's what you're trying to say, so I'd suggest you attempt to find a stronger ending.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .