Hi, Cheri Annemos ! I haven't reviewed you in ages and ages. I can't even remember the last time, really. I'm working on a whole bunch of challenges that require reviews, so I thought I'd hit some portfolios that I hadn't been in for a while.

Gotta say that I'm glad and amazed to see how much you've been writing lately, love. I poked through your poetry folder to see tons of new stuff. Your contest folder? Tons of stuff. You're just a busy lady!


What Caught My Eye

I decided to look through the contest folder because I love reading flash fiction and figured there might be something in here. Contest entries are also written fast usually and often go unedited... so there is a good chance that I'll have something to say. Pretty sure that I have tons of these contest stories sitting unedited in my port too.

The title of this one caught my eye. I immediately wondered who was surrendering... in what context. It hooked me for sure. And of course, the size of the item screamed "flash fiction" at me.

Favorite Aspects

I appreciate that you launch them directly into the middle of a fight. Not the beginning of one, but the middle.

Intro & Ending

I like to focus a bit on introductions and conclusions when I review stories of any kind because they serve as your hook (to keep people reading) and the statement that determines whether or not a reader is satisfied with the reading experience.

The intro seemed strange to me when first reading it. Who is "He"? Who is "She"? And why are they just... sitting? As far as action goes, it's a bit boring. Instead of "He sat at the desk, working on the Carmichael case"... I'd consider making the work the active verb and also changing it from a specific name. I kept waiting for them to get back to the case... didn't happen. So, that disappointed me a little. "Bill stared at the spreadsheets littering his desk, trying not to notice Melanie as she..." That sort of thing might be more engaging for you

Also, in the second paragraph when you still hadn't told us their names, I'd have quit reading if it hadn't been YOUR story.

The ending works... perfunctory but works. I don't know that I'd call it satisfying, but I wasn't super annoyed with it or anything.

Fundamentals(s)

The setting is very loose, but it's enough.

The characterization is very VERY light here. That may be one of the reasons why the ending was sort of a "shrug moment" for me. I don't care about either of them.

The tone is consistent throughout.

The dialogue isn't too stilted. I'm alright with it.

Some of these missing or too-light fundamentals are just because of the length. I think you could leave it the same length and include some of these by cutting details that don't matter and a bit of repetition in the argument.

Effect

Overall, I think it's an alright draft. It is bare-bones right now of course. I see it as a quick write for a contest that never got looked at again. We all do it. For what it is, it's fine. But it could be more if you wanted to give it a try. Cheers, love!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .