Hello, E. Martin

What I liked

I do like your character's voice, especially in the line: I'm not Your Highness, I'm Taryn, pleasure to meet you, and no, I don't feel like dancing.

Taryn is a wonderfully sympathetic and lovable character. She has fantastic spirit. I'm sure she'll make a very engaging and proactive main character.

Nice hook at the end of the first scene when you state But above all these characteristics, one gift surpasses them all. and I'm left wondering what that might be. And again at the end of the second scene, with the mention of the missing axe. :)

What might need work

Be aware that prologues are a tad out of fashion at the moment. It's just politics, I think, but it's one of those things that might get your book slushpiled on sight if you're not careful. If Taryn continues on as the main character, but ten years later or something, then I'd just make this chapter one. It's a minor change in title from prologue to chapter one, but it could make a huge difference to publishing opportunities. Not my issue, I must say. I mean, the Game of Thrones, The Wheel of Time, The Host, all huge best selling books with prologues. Even the Twilight books all had a 'preface'. But…

When you're narrating in first person, you have two problems from the get go. One is that the reader has no idea of your gender, the other is they don't know your name. Because she has a twin BROTHER, the reader is going to assume she's a boy unless told otherwise. You don't make it's clear she's a girl until the line: But, if we trade with Sorskalin, milady Also, at that point, you miss the opportunity to slide in her name, ie. with Sorkalin, Lady Taryn, or with Sorkalin, Princess Taryn - depending on how you work the culture. I mean, in The Wheel of Time, the Queen of Andor's daughter was titled, Lady Elayne - the Daughter Heir, or something like that.

Beware tired old expressions and seek alternatives that maintain the meaning and connection but use more refreshing words. For example, a quick talk on how little children should be seen and not heard. -> a quick talk on how little princesses should be admired for their grace and beauty but not heard. After reading on, this is an earlier opportunity to introduce that she's a dwarf, ie. …on how little dwarves should be neither seen nor heard. :)

my dolls on the top of the spring green hillside, pretending to be the damsel in distress -> eithe make dolls singluar or damsel plural, because they don't match.

Our hair may be ash brown, and our eyes, clear grey, but Theodor's hair is perfect, he's leaner and taller while my hair is bushy and I'm stocky.
-> sentences like these are too 'telling', ie. they read like a description in a dating site profile rather than coming across naturally as the reader 'observes' the scene. You did a fantastic job earlier of introducing Taryn's personality, but you don't do the same thing with her physical features. Create actions eary on in your story/scene that will somehow show the physical features. For example, remember my story when I wanted to give the reader an idea of what Tom looked like? Tom remembers his honeymoon and then wonders how such a chubby misfit like himself bagged such a handsome hunk. That lets the reader know that Tom is flabby, not muscular, not handsome, and an outsider, but without making it sound like a list of features. Try and think of something like that for Taryn, such as one of her maids brushing her tangled hair and lamenting that it isn't as silky and perfect as her brothers.

, muttering how dwarf children should know better than to play like horses of Faris, -> you leave it a bit late to tell us she's a dwarf. Readers will already have built up a picture of her by this point, and changing something so important will shatter their mental image and disrupt the suspension of disbelief, spoiling the story for them.

from its long plaits and it lay becomingly on her shoulders, garbed in her midnight silk gown that softly became her./Every evening, my family would sit together and talk about our day together -careful about repeating words too close together in narrative.

we didn't see each other as often as other peasant families. -> the implication of this statement is that they are a peasant family, which is patently untrue. :)

'I went to visit my brotherâs grave with your Mama.' - brotherâs? brother's?

'How is your schooling coming along, Taryn? What did you learn today?' She asked. -> you don't need 'she asked'. It's as redundant as a Sheffield steel worker because we already know Mum is speaking. However, if you did keep it, it would be low case 's' in 'she' because 'she asked' would be in the same sentence.

Though it's truly wonderful when Taryn plays with fire, the whole scene is a tad implausible. If it's such a huge thing that dwarfs can touch fire, then all the humans would already know and it would simply be common knowledge. This is an example of characters doing or saying something 'out of character' for the benefit of the reader rather than their natural behaviour.

Consider: horses of Faris, the country of the centaurs in scene one and then And that's when the Fayris queen-' in scene two. Faris/Fayris. I get that Faris is derived from farrier and Fayris from fay folk, but they're a tad similar to be in the same 'universe' dontcha think? Similarly Centur/country of the centaurs. Too similar. :)

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .