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Review #4258419
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Lisa Angelo
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: | (3.5)
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A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings Andy~hating university

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 16!

OVERALL IMPRESSION
Let me start by saying I do not read fanfic so I am not your audience. Take everything I say with a grain of salt because of that.
I liked getting a look inside Draco's head and felt like you kept close to the books in regards to characters.

What I Liked Best:
Humanizing Draco. And I also like the explanation about why that classroom was out of bounds.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence & Paragraph:
I feel like your opening should start with action and a closer POV. Right now it's a disembodied voice giving commentary and thus removed. You don't want your audience removed from your story. I think it should start with this thought: He fled the room in a blind panic, and ran straight into a very stern looking woman. But be expanded to be a SHOW instead of a TELL moment. Show me the panic, show me him running into McGonagall.

Plot:
Plot is clear so far. I don't know if this is going to be a retelling of Sirius Black's entrance into Potter's life or what but what's here is clear and easy to follow.

Character Development:
You've developed Goyle and Malfoy more than the book but because we go into this story already knowing the characters I think perhaps staying true to them is more important than developing and if feels like you've done that.

Dialog:
Dialog felt good.

Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar:
Nothing stood out to me but this isn't my strong suit.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

Continuity:
Makes sense and flows well. Pacing is good.

Clarity:
The only issue of clarity is I believe you should give more away at the end as to what Harry saw. Maybe this is a fanfic thing... If feels like you should be showing us what he saw even if it's just one image designed to haunt the reader.

Hook:
Another prophecy that Harry doesn't want to believe. A closer friendship between Malfoy and his friends and a more likeable, relate-able side to the "bad guy."

CLOSING STATEMENT
As I said, I don't read fanfic but I did enjoy this. I loved the seer twist and how you added a side of Malfoy and his two "friends" that is unlike what we saw in the books. I'm curious where you will take this and if this will add to the existing story or rewrite parts of it.



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