Hello Jellyfish !


I'm your local Sb here reviewing for the Simply Positive group. I'm also reviewing as part of this Piratey event: "Invalid Item" . Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions
First impressions- I have seen the effects of Facebook on people and it's not exactly ... good. So, you have all these 'friends' and these friends talk about the perfection in their lives which is exactly all true. This poem takes on that edge of Facebook where you really just don't care what other people are posting. I do have some suggestions for you:

Your excessive baking,
Your the endless waiting.-

The main thing that I see to play with within this poem is the repetition of certain words makes that word lose its effect. In this case, 'your' being used twice in a row I would switch it out the second time for 'the endless waiting' to keep this word from becoming redundant.

I am
whitewashed stone,
paper, lard. -

Within the third stanza I would play with the repetition of 'I am.' I'd start it off with that first line then listing what you' are with the second and third line within this stanza to keep it from being repeated too much.

The judicial way in which how you stare

With this line above I would remove 'in which' since it isn't needed within this line.

Rhythm/Rhyming

There is a rhyming within this poem and it reads to me like an R rated Dr. Seuss poem. Which, is a huge compliment because I love Dr. Seuss and the catchiness of his words and rhyming within his pieces. This has a sing-song, sickeningly sweet quality which makes the words said even better when read. There are some parts where the rhythm was a little thrown off by the syllable count being built up in certain longer lines and then tapering down to smaller lines.

One area was 'the judicial way...' so I had the suggestion of just removing 'in which' since it isn't needed within this as something for you to play with.

Things Which I Enjoyed
I love the sing-song quality of reading this poem why you have such fun words being said within here. You repeatedly say you don't care within this but it kind of reminds me how you drawn to something you can't quite escape. I know a lot of people use the site to keep tabs on friends and family but the constant stream of stuff that doesn't matter or you don't care about can't be filtered off in a 'please I don't care' trash bin. Which, would be a really awesome idea because I'd think the endless information would get annoying after awhile.

Overall Comments
Overall this poem takes on Facebook and turns it on its head with just being blatant that honestly... you don't care about the mundane things that get posted on this site set on repeat and recyling it over again. I loved the rhyming with this and it made it extremely catchy to read. I hope this little review is helpful for you. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .