Hello Jellyfish !


I'm your local Sb here reviewing for the Simply Positive group. I'm also reviewing as part of this Piratey event: "Invalid Item" . Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions
First impressions- I love how you have alliteration going on from the start of this poem with the 'slated slats' just makes the first line especially catching when being read. I do have some suggestions you can use if you wanted to. These suggestions mainly focus on words that may not be needed within a line and for you to play with.

You always come creeping creep in before
The moon has reached its reaches its fullest height-

With the above lines I do have some suggestions to tinker with. This is just making the more passive voice of this poem more active with the events happening within it. These are also longer lines so that they fit more with the syallables in the small lines following them.

So why do you take me in your arms -

This is another longer line then tapering down to smaller lines and I'd maybe condense what you're saying within here. Here's my suggestion: you take me in your arms / And pretend...

The other line I would play with condensing is this line here: That I want something more from you maybe shortening it to: That I want more from you.

Rhythm/Rhyming

This seems to be a free style poem and so there's no rhyme scheme to be kept or syllable count to be followed. With that said the areas where the rhythm felt a little more off I pointed out and then offered some suggestions to make it flow better. These are just my opinions and tinker things for you to play with.

Things Which I Enjoyed
Sordid daydream
Where Venus watches
My naive desires.

I really, really dig these three lines highlighted above. I think that the metaphors are used extremely well and it creates such detail to this love that you refuse to fall into their lies. You tell yourself that they may have you during the night but that doesn't change what will happen in the day time. You describe love in its form that I agree with, the give and take, ying and yang of it all. How we fall for it, then fall out of it only to repeat the cycle again and again.

Overall Comments
Overall this yet another poem of yours I thoroughly enjoyed reading your take on a love poem. And the question you ask us of what does love really mean after all? What happens when we give in, lose ourselves, and then repeat it. I feel like the ending is incredibly strong asking us if your intrigue gives you no respect then what will you be allowed to choose? I hope this little review is helpful for you. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .