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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4259856
Review #4259856
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Starling
Rated: | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings {huser:Corrine Shroud-Published }

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !
Title and Author:

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

Plot::
Young girl, high school age, is patrolling the streets of a small town. She has been told by her father to do this. Her brother calls and checks up on her. She is visited by an evil demon who tries to warn her that a very strong demon has arrived in the city.

Hook:
First couple of paragraphs create the first hook. The reader wants to know why the young girl is out walking the dark streets.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Opening paragraph introduces the main character which is an excellent way to start the story. It also sets the mood for the rest of the chapter

Characters Development:

Aloisia
Toby - Aloisia's sister
Kaiya - Aloisia's best friend
Diablo - evil demon


Dialogue:
Dialogue was very well done. The reader can tell who is talking and how they are feeling by the words used. This is not an easy thing to accomplish. Congradulations!

Punctuation and Structure:
Squalling fire trucks barrelled (spelling) down the road and Aloisia ...


Closing Statement
I was immediately drawn into the piece. You did a great job of introducing the main character through her actions and what others said and did. Thank you for posting.

Starling

STATIC
Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E)
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