Hello Elle - on hiatus !

This is your local and frolic like Sb here. I am reviewing for the Simply Postive review group. Plus, this Piratey event right here: "Invalid Item"  Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions

First impressions- It seems like our one female character within this story has gotten into some trouble here. We have Hope getting some handcuffs clicked onto her wrists so she's definitely been up to some stuff since the last chapter I read.

As the cold metal cuffs snapped around her wrists, something inside Hope froze. -

I get what's being said here but it reads a little more awkward. It's just imagining that something inside her froze and it's like what is that something? Did her heart freeze? Her stomach lurches forward, etc.? I would maybe reword this: The cold metal cuffs snapped around her wrists. She froze as the words didn't register inside of her mind.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed when the door she was leaning against opened, causing her to tumble out.-

I would play with the more passive voice and the -ing words within this sentence. My suggestion is: She wasn't sure how much time had passed. The door she leaned against opened, and she tumbled out.

They wanted someone strong and capable, someone who fit in. Someone who belonged here.
-

I would play with the repetition of the word 'someone' switching it out for a different synonym so it doesn't become redundant.

Here or wherever you want to live, so long as it's with me. We belong together."- This is repeated twice at the end, I think this was just repeated by accident.

Characters in Your Story

Hope- She seems to take on more of a passive role this chapter. She watches as Jake pleads her case and while it's sweet that he would do this I did wish our main character would take more of a stance against these people. I know that she is basically from a place where they ostracized her and that's why she moved here but I'd love to see her be a part of his defense. She's surprised by this and he came up with it himself but it just gives her more of a passive feel and like we're watching everything from the sidelines with her.

Jake- He seems like a nice guy, though I'm not quite sure how he proclaims his love for her or what brought them together since they seem to be from opposite sides of the world. He's country, she's city, she comes from money, he doesn't, but I'm sure this was shown to us in previous chapters so this is just me responding from the first chapter I read and now this one.

Plot / Setting / Concept

Plot: We have a love/romance going on here of a city girl and a country boy. They fall in love, he proclaims his love, then asks her to go the next step immediately after. I'm not quite sure why these people who attacked and were cruel to her would suddenly be like 'yeah, say yes' to his proposal. It just feels a little off and forced, but that may just be me.

Setting: We didn't really get the feel of the outside or details of those things. It seems like a cop car, outside, then inside of the council where everyone is brought together.

Concept: Two star crossed lovers brought together and fall for each other.

Things Which I Enjoyed
I enjoyed the descriptions of Jake since he seems kind and like a sweet guy. I'm not quite sure why they fell head over heels but again I haven't been following through this from beginning to end so I'm sure that you've shown us these details in earlier chapters. I enjoyed that he was described to have that calm, coaxing voice she just can't say no to.

Overall Comments
Overall, there were some areas I could make suggestions in and just some playing with passive voice. Also, I felt like the conflict of the towns people was too easily resolved especially if they were being as cruel as it seems like they were. I hope this little review of mine is helpful. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .