Hello Wraven !

This is your local and frolic like Sb here. I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Simply Positive review group. I'm also reviewing as part of this Piratey event: "Invalid Item" . Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions

First impressions- I was sent to this piece by your review request so I'm hoping this little review of mine will be helpful for you with what I have to offer. My first is to play with the more passive voice from the start with the -ing words and switching it around to make it more of an active voice. Here're my suggestions:

Relaxing in his black, leather recliner on his ninety-ninth birthday, Aldred reminisced.-

Here's my suggestion:

Aldred relaxed in his leather recliner on his ninety-ninth birthday as he reminisced.

The memories were hazy.

This above part is a more telling statement. I would say to remove it and then just have it start with that second sentence of 'People and...' because you describe this hazy feel really well within that second sentence.

years ago. A tradition shared between father and son. - The colon isn't needed and I would end the sentence after 'ago' and start up a new sentence after that.

Just some more breaking up sentences and an article is needed with the subject with the word 'secret': Something which had been passed down and kept a secret between the male members of his family for the last thirteen generations. He was the last member of House Kice, save for his grandson, Mitch.

There are a few more areas where you can work on the -ing words within here that create more of a passive voice. Also, more telling parts that we can be shown later in the story. I feel like we get more within this story when Mitch and his grandfather get to talking to each other and then we see their relationship well. Also, the random part where we're brought into the father being there with this part: His father had been a... because of the time switching that is happening.

The smell of nature suffused his senses- I would add more detail to what nature is that he is smelling, like grass, flowers, what are the smells that are happening?


Things Which I Enjoyed
I really liked the story you built up with the relationship between these two, Mitch and his grandfather. The beginning of this story had a little more telling aspects but I enjoyed how this young man gets his grandfather a cute card that reminds him of the old war times. This was one of the strongest parts of the story and you showed us their relationship well.

You make a good little introduction to their relationship.

Overall Comments
Overall, there some parts within here that you can strengthen and play with the more telling parts/passive voice. I really enjoyed the two male figures of the grandfather and Mitch. You showed a lot within these parts where they interacted so these were my favorite parts. I hope this little review of mine is helpful. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .