Hello, Winnie Kay

What I liked

There's so much to admire in your Neville!

The meter and rhyme are both spot on and your poem follows the Neville form accurately.

The theme is inspired. You've really made good use of the form to produce a concluding line that must resonate with anybody over forty. It reminds me of something Stephen King wrote in his prologue to the Dark Tower series - about how in his mind he's always seventeen and it's a stranger staring back at him from his mirror. I adore your image of the ticking clock mocking your blindness to the passing of time. Also, the blink which expresses your surprise so well is great showing of emotion. Great stuff!

What might need work

The initial sentence that spans the first three lines does not have an obvious grammatical subject. Upon rereading, it becomes clear that it's the speaker who has been deceived, but on first read through it sounds as though the 'tick of time' is the one deceived by you. At least to my way of thinking. The whole first sentence is basically a bit awkward. If this were prose rather than poetry, then it wouldn't work at all. Obviously, readers are used to seeing awkwardly or unusually phrased things in metered poems, but usually such unusual phrasing helps to emphasise rather than obscure the point being made by the poet. Perhaps try to rephrase your opening so it's more obviously the speaker who has been deceived from the get go.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .