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Review #4261177
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*Bookstack* *Books3**Books4**Books5**Books6**Books1*
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the New Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings JMRobison:

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the First Annual "The Chapter One Competition." .
Thank you for including our mandatory phrase, "Happy sweet sixteen, WDC!"

*Bookstack* What I Liked Best:
I quite like Zadicayn. He's clever and smart, and even when there doesn't seem to be a way to form a plan, he manages to make one.

*Bookstack* Character Development:
Zadicayn: the mmc and protagonist. He intends to save his mother and sister, who have been taken by those who would have his power of magic, or have him use it to serve them somehow; it's not clear. They know they can control him to some great degree because he loves his family. All of this is conveyed perfectly. I do have some questions about why they want his powers and what they want him to do for them, but I believe those are the questions you intend for me to have. So you've got me right where you want me. *applause*
Mother and Sister: Unnamed as of now, have been taken and are being used, under threat of death, to force Zadicayn to do the bidding of their captors.
Gandorlain and Dandaryl are two of the group who have taken Zadicayn and are now about to imprison him. They also know about his mother and sister, though it is not clear if they are the ones who abducted them. They hold positions of power over the others, but to what degree, is unknown. Whether or not these two will be significant in the chapters to some is yet to be determined.

You tell this tale in First Person, starting in past perfect and moving to simple present. Though I understand why you have done this, it stopped me at first. Perhaps add something to make it clear to your reader that you intend to do it this way? One way to make this clear is to indent every paragraph except the first and add another space between this first and second paragraph. It's a traditional technique to separate a brief introduction such as this. You maintain his POV with no slips, and, with the exception of the opening paragraph, you maintain simple present tense as well.

The protagonist, Zadicayn's, goal -at least in this chapter- is to protect his mother and sister by doing what these others ask of him, as well as to keep himself alive and escape. This is clear. His concerns of possible failure are universal and draw me in. I want to see him succeed.

Questions I have are: who are these others? How big is their following, Are they a kingdom strong, or a few magic-thieves who plan to destroy a kingdom? Or just maybe they are just a smallish band of robbers whose ambitious are less than would seem?

And what of his power anyway? How strong is it, and how far can it go if he can't use it to solve this problem?

Why is he waiting for his sister to save him? Why are the others pretending he isn't human? What does that mean anyway? He thinks about this twice, so its significance is something I cannot ignore, but I need to know what it means.

At this point, I can address dialog, continuity, clarity, and hook, simply by stating all are present and accounted for, and all are very well done. (I've got more hooks in me than Charlie the Tuna!) To that I will add I rather liked your use of old english. It was easy to understand and not over done. Just the perfefct amount to color the passages.

*Bookstack* Suggestions for Improvement:
I really don't have anything to add here. Oh! except maybe to mention one small part that confused me. (And I am not a fantasy buff, so if this is simply the way things are typically done, chalk it up to that and forget it. Easy-peasy.)

Near the top of the chapter, Zadicayn states he has affix(ed) cogs and a metal grid to the ceiling of the undercroft beneath the castle chapel where they intend to lock me when I stop being useful to them. When I read this, I thought he was designing or preparing his way of escape for when that time comes. Further on, however, I think what was happening there was they were having him construct his own prison. I believe the latter is correct, but I did stop and go back to re-read. Maybe add the tiniest bit of clarity at the first mention of this? See what other reviewers have to say. As I noted, this ain't my typical read. (But I enjoyed it a lot and definitely want to read more of it.)



Thank you for joining in the Competition. I truly enjoyed your Chapter One!


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