Hello, Elfin Dragon-finally published !

What I liked

I admire your determination to tackle a difficult form and use it to better communicate your theme.

I found your theme very admirable. There's a nice flow to the topic where you first introduce the idea of your soul flying free, but then you make excellent use of the central, pivotal line to show that it's flying free because you're dying, and then go on to talk about the loss of youth and the release of death. It's all really well written and makes great use of the form.

What might need work

The three lines of tetrameter did not end in actual rhymes. mind/time/kind don't rhyme with one another. They have the same 'i' sound and could be used in assonance, but they don't rhyme.

I recommend you check out:

http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=time&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2...

It's a great site for finding rhymes for your poetry, as well as synonyms and definitions.

Also, I think you need to think about what iambic means. It's a form of meter when the sound goes something like: "and ONE and TWO and THREE and FOUR" where the metric feet consist of two syllables and the stress usually falls on the second syllable.

Consider your line Age becomes a harsh master. - here I've underlined the natural stresses as I hear them in your line. Unfortunately, the stress falls on the first, not the second, in each pairing. So, what you actually have here is a line of trochaic trimeter with one missing syllable. Sorry.

If you want to learn about the use of iambic meter, I'd really recommend Stephen Fry's book The Ode Less Travelled.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .