Hello Shaye !

This is your local and frolic like Sb here. I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Simply Positive review group. Congratulations on your win of the Package within "Invalid Item" . I will be providing five reviews and an awardicon to my favorite item within your port. Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions

First impressions- As you know I'm hunting about your port for some items to read and review and I enjoyed the first chapter for DNA and so I wanted to check out this piece as well. I know that this basically says that it is a work in progress and I feel like we should be set up a little more with the setting and what is going on. We are kind of plopped within dialogue from the start so I'd set us up with the area, characters before the dialogue starts.

"You can't catch me I'm the gingerbread, man!" -

This first bit of dialogue I know is supposed to be humorous but it reads a little off. I'm not quite sure why someone is shouting you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man so it reads a little forced with this dialogue. This may be because I don't know this character or why they'd be saying it or why they are referencing a gingerbread man from the start.

I drew the long blade from the sheath that lay against my spine, smirking as the leather creaked slightly as the blade slid from its home.

I would play with the -ing word within here since this creates more of a passive voice and the -ly of 'slightly.' And the double 'as' within this sentence. This is my suggestion for this sentence:

I drew the long blade from the sheath that lay against my spine. I smirked as the leather creaked and the blade slid from its home.

None of the other hunters had the ability to rival mine.- This is a more telling part, I'd show us her abilities later on than telling us within this sentence as a suggestion.

I would play with the sections that create more of a passive voice with the -ing words within this piece. Also, more telling areas within this first chapter as well. An example of a more telling part is this here: I moved with immense speed and power. The building was large and foreboding, like a cathedral. I think that you can say that it is like a cathedral that it basically sets up a large and foreboding feel to it. I would show us how she moves with immense power and speed instead of telling.

When we get with dialogue between all these characters without the tags of who is saying what I was confused who was talking and when. Even though you do have the names said within the dialogue sometimes I would add tags to the dialogue to help indicate who is talking and then maybe some of their mannerisms with their dialogue. I feel like there's a lot of good dialogue going on here but I would add more with what's going on and expand on this.

Things Which I Enjoyed
The burning room had the appearance of a police interrogation room, but the glass wasn't a mirror.

I liked the descriptions of this area and I could picture it well within my head the burning room. I really like this female character and the strength she shows physically and mentally. I don't see how these other vampires will be any threat to her because she seems quite capable of taking out vampires. And the idea of vampires hunting vampires is a neat one, like Blade and I wonder how and why she got within this field of killing her kind. I like how the eyes represent different things and that she is skilled in combat that is a neat feature with this.

Overall Comments
Overall, I thought this is a good first chapter but it does need to have some more polishing to it and it doesn't quite feel complete if that makes sense. You have a good start and bones, but there were some more confusing parts like when we have the dialogue between a bunch of characters and I wasn't quite sure their relation or who was discussing at times. I would flesh them out a little more and add more details of these characters, the setting, and then play with the more passive and telling places within here. I hope this little review of mine is helpful. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .