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Review #4262381
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of We are the 99%  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello Marci Missing Everyone of Team USA East. I'm Charlie and I'm one of the essay judges for this round of "Project Write World" . Thanks for sharing your essay, "Invalid Item"  with us. I hope this review finds you well. *Smile*


I remember the Occupy Wall Street movement quite well because I was around 19 years old when that was going on and it seemed like my generation especially was super involved with organizing and pushing that belief system forward. I thought the movement had a lot of good points, but then again, I think the other side of the table has good points as well. Personally, I don't fall on either side of it because I'm not informed enough to make a decision, which makes me a perfect candidate for your persuasive essay!

One of the things I love about this essay and you as a person, Marci, is your willingness to stand up for what you believe in. I think that's such a strong human characteristic to have, and one I think I missed the seminar for, so I have a deep respect for that. *Laugh* The essay starts of with a strong introductory paragraph explaining what you're going to be discussing in your essay and then there is a break for the Twain quote prompt and we get into the real "meat and potatoes" of the essay from there.

I think you did a good job of building the situation in a way that would be easily understandable to someone who did not have any prior information of the 99% movement. That bit of information surrounding the events that took place is vital for letting your audience know the circumstances and general scope of the movement. I also like how you showed the sequence of events and connections between the 99% movement and other political parties.

I'm a university student right now, so one of the things I just can't get past in this essay is the lack of sources. Of course I don't expect a works cited or reference page on a WDC essay, but when you're making bold claims, I think it's super vital to let your readers know where you got that information from and how they can find more information out themselves. Something as simple as an {x-link} to an article that proves some of these points would make a world of difference. As it stands now, it feels like the essay sort of veers off track into a personal statement of opinion, which is perfectly fine, but the opinion is mixed in with claims of facts, which makes it difficult to read without having any sources.

For example, you write: In fact, Christians are the main people that are oppressed on freedom of speech unlike everyone else. I have no idea if that's a fact or not, but because you state it as a fact, I'm desperate for a source so I can get more information. Maybe it's just the academic student in me, but I think certain claims almost demand a source.

Luckily, I think everything pulled together well in the end on this essay. I think your conclusion paragraph brought the quote prompt into the essay and got things back on track. I love what you had to say at the end up making decisions about where you want to stand, and it doesn't matter if you choose to stand with the majority or the minority, as long as it's your choice and is what you truly believe. Great job with this essay, Marci. It was a lot of fun to read and examine. *Heart*


Best wishes,


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