I am also reviewing your story as a judge for "The Bard's Hall Contest" . Thank you for entering!

I found Lydia to be a likeable character, albeit one who rocks to the beat of a different drummer. But that's what makes her loveable to the reader. She is sort of a defective detective wannabe. I enjoyed the story as it unfolded, and like the twist of events at the end.

You followed the prompt and solved a mystery in sixteen sentences, which is not an easy task. So kudos to you for accomplishing this.


Pretty cool!


Observations:

What got me a little bogged down, was the opening sentence. I think that could have been trimmed a little more and still have given the picture of who Lydia is. She's a hard of hearing, stubborn, proud woman, who has bad taste in perfume. That pretty much would have covered the opening line.



"Officer Lydia Simpson sighed while speaking with Detective Hall, who seemed to never understand anything unless it was repeated two, three, four, or even ten times; her hints to get a hearing aid had been ignored, so now she tended to shout when he was around, which was quite annoying since her mother had said, “It's never lady-like to shout,” and she really wanted Detectice [detective]Hall to notice her because he paid attention to the other females in the office but never to her; she had done some self-analysis and decided it could be the toothpaste she used that made him wrinkle his nose every time she came near; although, she admitted to herself, it might also be the perfume: ode de la Rose, which had a strong scent."

Okay, this is a brilliant attempt to fit everything imaginable to describe this officer and what she considers to be unfair treatment of her by Detective Hall.. Yes, it is a run-on sentence. And technically it is acceptable as one sentence. My little niggle is, the description could have been tightened-up a bit so it wasn't boldly obvious. She wants to be noticed, taken seriously, and does a self analysis as to why she isn't.


TRY: Officer Lydia Simpson was tired of being ignored by Detective Hall and especially hated being told that she needed a hearing aid when clearly he was always talking in a barely audible whisper around her, making her feel like something was wrong with not just her hearing but also her abilities as a police officer although he paid plenty of attention to the other female officers.

I know it's not perfect, but it is a shorter run-on and shows this officer is determined to be noticed. I think the perfume is unnecessary as well as having to repeat what was said to her followed by numbers of times. Merely make a quick comment about her pleas from him to get a hearing aid. Since she is in denial, of course she'll blame him for not hearing instructions due to his deliberate act of speaking softly around her and preference for the other women officers. Then go on to show how she handled the case.


However, you did manage to solve a mystery, based on the prompt, in 16 sentences. It was interesting, moved along quickly (once we got past the opening,) and painted images with your words so the reader could follow along as if she were there in Bardstown with all of the characters.

You responded to this review 09/27/2016 @ 3:58pm EDT

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