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 Review #4262539 |
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| (5.0)| Hello, Donkey Hoetay  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. Thank you for asking me to look at your story. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  Yes, there was a huge hook. Her father died three days ago, but he's alive now, and now this reader needs an explanation and will read on to learn it. Characters — are they well rounded? Absolutely. Both main characters are wonderfully constructed and there are some great moments in the text, especially the moment when he's playing princess with her. That's so cool. The only negative thing I'd say about characters is that this story is long enough that you could have named the main antagonist, the one of the three men trying to steal Father's idea. Giving that thief/murderer a name would help fuel the reader's negative attitude toward them. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? The plot is fantastic. I really loved this story. I especially like the way the scientists take advantage of Father's gullability to steal his invention. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Yes. The structure and pace is great. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?  You have a great voice. There are rather too many punctuation errors and typos, many of which are listed under suggestions, but nothing that cannot be fixed by a good edit. Also, the protagonist is a bit of an unreliable narrator since she begins the story by saying her father died, and ends it with a different situation entirely, so technically I suppose she's lied. However, I felt it worked and wouldn't necessarily change that. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? Yes, their dialogue was fine. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? There was sufficient setting to make the story work, though there's room in this department to add a bit more sensory detail in places, and possibly a bit more description of settings. What really struck me as deficient was showing me this was in London. I was already halfway through the story before I realised it was in England and even further before I narrowed it down to London. Get that in earlier if you can. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? Yes. I mean, I've come across the cable up to the heavens before. It's in Old Man's War by John Scalzi. But, the soul keeping thing was original, as was Father's way of discovering the structure of the molecule. Very inventive there! Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. Please show that the setting is London earlier if possible, and add a bit more sensory detail, such as medical smells in the hospital and maybe perfume smells around the affair scene and cologne in the tailors etc. In the beginning of the story, you call the thing leaving Father 'soul'. However, later you use 'spirit'. Be consistent. I'd stick with soul, if I were you, because it's more easily recognisable to readers as a person's essence. There are quite a few small issues in the narrative that are as follows: once in the hand and once in the midsection. I suspect the bullet to his belly did the most damage, as I watched him bleed in the ambulance from that wound. -> seems a bit of a silly statement; it goes without saying that a stomach gunshot wound is more serious than a hand wound. I heard them say the bullet had gone through and through COMMA and he began to make his first steps to a temporary recover -> when a sentence is made up of two independent clauses linked by a conjunction, a comma is required, unless they're both very short. This is a common problem throughout the story, so I will not point out every instance. Please read the linked article and then apply the knowledge learned. http://www.smart-words.org/linking-words/conjunctions.html and I began to talk to my father in his hospital bed. -> be wary of words like 'began' or 'started'. They are stall words and often can be deleted without losing any sense of meaning. "Migdalia Hemmingshire...Precious. What's going on luv?" He spoke to me. He recognized my voice-> when a person is addressed by name or title in dialogue, you need to separate the name or title from what's said by a comma, ie. "What's going on, luv?" The dialogue tag is unnecessary since the following line tells us who spoke, and it's pretty obvious anyroad. Surely they there will be more opportunities for your poppa to tell the world what you helped me to invent." It was unfair of me to expect my father to comprehend what had truly happened to him. -> whenever you're tempted to use 'directional components' like 'to her' 'from him' 'to him', take a second look and see if they are really needed. Here, it's obvious we're talking about what happened to Father, so the 'to him' is as redundant as a Sheffield steel worker. "Well, how come I'm able to do to you right now?" -> Awkward. Consider: "Well, how come I'm able to do just that for you right now?" I had to learn how to use those noisy pots my father gave to her as a gift, over time -> 'noisy pots' is enough to remind us which ones you mean. He was no more a tailor than my father was astute. And my father was not astute. -> no need to tell what you've just shown He did not know that my mother did no such things in his absence -> I have a rule of thumb with that. I cover that 'that' that I'm not sure about with my thumb, then read that sentence aloud. If that sentence reads fine without that 'that' that I'm not sure about, then I delete that 'that' from that sentence. I dare not have told him the truth -> I dare not tell him the truth " I sang with the most glee that I was allowed to have. -> I'm not exactly certain what you meant here, but feel 'I sang with glee' would cover this anyway. . I saw him in the distance COMMA and his shoulders were square COMMA and a smile rented his lips. -> not sure what you mean by a smile rented his lips. Beware filtering too much. Filtering is when the writer reminds the reader that what they're reading isn't their own experience by pointing out that someone else is doing the seeing/feeling/hearing etc, ie. I saw him - saw is a filter word. He appeared in the distance - no filtering. as his spirit was much different than grandmum's. -> as his soul was very different in nature to Grandmum's. - if you're using Grandmum as a proper noun, ie. as a name, capitalise. Look, when its full, the whole jug is the same cool temperature as the juice, - its -> it's I decided then that Julian was brilliantly renaissance and also weird -> capitalise Renaissance Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I really enjoyed reading this story, and I'm glad you asked me to look at it. I think that with a good edit and polishing, this would fit well into a published anthology. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/27/2016 @ 6:14pm EDT