Hello, cmarn

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Your opening paragraphs are a little weak in that they don't include a hook to entice the reader to read on. I mean, a middle-aged couple eating soup isn't exciting, and there's no hint at that time about all the excitement that's going to happen in the rest of the story. Ideally an opening will contain either conflict, action, or raise a question that must be answered by reading on. For example, in the first Vampire Diaries, Elena writers in her diary Something awful is going to happen today. And then it's crossed out in the book, so the reader is then curious to know why she wrote that and also why it's crossed out. The wedding invitation is a good hook, so maybe try and work that in much earlier.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Yes, I'd have to say they're pretty well rounded and interesting. I presume this isn't the first book in the series. I mean, if it is supposed to be an opening book, then you have far too many characters introduced within a few chapters; readers won't be able to keep up and remember them all. However, if it's a later book, that's fine.

I was a bit disappointed with Tonraq and Senna, though. I felt that you could have done more to make Senna a strong character. I mean, in your narrative Tonraq is the big chief with all the power and making all the decisions etc, and Senna's the dutiful wife making him soup and relying on him for everything. I'd like to see her in more of a powerful position, not taking orders (Go pack the bags, wench, while I do the important ordering around stuff!) but giving them, and ideally giving Tonraq an earful. I'd love it if Senna's soup tasted awful, but Tonraq was clearly pretending he liked it because he lived in fear of upsetting his wife over such a trivial matter.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


The first chapter introduces a very good and interesting conflict — a threat against the couple should they marry. The ending of each of the three chapters in this section are great, with the threat at the end of chapter one, the strange behaviour of Asami at the end of two, and the discovery of the deceit and Korra's need to act at the end of chapter three. If you can create such strong chapter endings, you should be able to write a better opening hook to your first chapter.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The beginning it a tad slow up until the wedding invitation arrives, but from then on the pace is good, and becomes excellent in chapters two and three.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


I feel you need a lot of practice in this area. That will come through continuing to write and also interacting with other writers on this site. Please see 'suggestions' below for a list of issues I found.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


Their speech sometimes sounded a little wooden and also appeared to be more for the benefit of the reader than the characters themselves. I'd suggest you try reading aloud each speech and listen to how it sounds. Compare it to the speech of your favourite anime characters and see if it sounds the same. Natural speech is usually a lot more clipped than the rest of the narrative, which makes some of your speech sound artificial in contrast.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


I didn't really get a good feeling for the physcial appearance of any of the places mentioned in your story, or the boats involved. Read the opening chapters of some of your favourite fantasy novels and see how the authors have created a scene which helps you visualise the location.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


The Avatar airbender thing isn't too original these days. To be honest, there's possibly a bit too much. However, the lesbian take on it is pretty cool and original.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

Here are a few thoughts I had while reading:

"Being the Chief must take a lot out of you doesn't it?" Asked Senna — this isn't a big issue, but when you have dialogue + a dialogue tag, and that tag (sometimes called a beat) contains a verb which expresses a verbal action, such as speaking or whispering or shouting, then the speech and the tag together are treated as being in one sentence, even when the speech ends with a question mark or an exclamation mark, so here you need lower case 'a' in 'asked', and the same for the next speech, where 'Said' should be 'said' and also you've missed the end speech marks.

" Said Tonraq as he reassured his wife — you may be aware that there's a notion of narrative being either 'telling' or 'showing'. Now, the statement that 'he reassured his wife' is 'telling' because you're simply stating that this is what happened. 'Showing' means describing the actions through the characters' movements and speech so that the reader understands what is happening in the same way as they would if they were watching a scene in a movie or play. An interesting problem that often occurs in an early draft of a manuscript is that a writer may both 'show' and 'tell' the exact same thing without noticing it. Here, this is what you do. The dialogue that precedes this statement very effectively shows Tonraq reassuring his wife. When you then state the same thing in the tag, you are effectively 'insulting' the reader (not literally, but figuratively) because you're implying that they are not intelligent enough to understand what you've shown them and so now you need to tell them too, as if they were small children. Be confident in your writing. You HAVE shown Tariq being reassuring, so now you don't need to tell the reader this.

He gave the message to Tonraq and the Chief opened the piece of paper to see a letter written by Korra! — In the preceding sentence, you've said it's a message from Karra, so it's kinda redundant to also say it here. Also, try to keep exclamation marks to a minimun or they will lose their impact. I mean, here it's no big surprise that a message from Korra will include a letter from Korra, so why the exclamation?

My other good friends such as Mako, Opal and Suyin Beifong will also be in attendance — Beware putting information into letters or dialogue which the characters already know because it becomes obvious to the reader that this information is for them and not for the character, making it look a bit silly. This letter is a little problematical. You have to decide whether it's formal or informal. At the moment it's a real mix of the two, because it starts 'Dear Mum and Dad' but then ends 'The Avatar, Korra', which is her title rather than her name, as if her parents were not yet aware she was 'The Avatar'.

He hugged his wife from the front and squeezed her tight — beware over-writing the situation. A reader understands how a hug works and will get it without being informed that it's 'from the front' and involves him 'squeezing her tight'.

"I can't believe it COMMA honey!/ "I'm in complete disbelief myself COMMA Tonraq! — when a person is addressed in speech, their name or title by which they are addressed is separated from what is said to them by a comma. That's mandatory.

. I can get a ship for us to leave for the City in about 40 minutes. — in narrative, write out small numbers like forty rather than using numerals. It's just one of those style things that you have to get used to. Also, be realistic in your story to keep things plausible. If the leader of a tribe wants to visit another area he doesn't control, he doesn't just jump on the next available boat and go. He must make arrangements for the governance of his tribe in his absence, possibly ask permission for safe transit through other people's territory, as well as arranging the kind of fine clothes he'll need as an ambassador for his people so that he makes his tribe look good in front of others, and also trade goods, samples, and gifts for the other leaders he may meet at the wedding, not to mention a wedding gift for his daughter. I mean, it's not as if he can pop into Walmart and buy her a box of Hershies as a wedding present, lol.

As Tonraq and Senna prepared for their trip to Republic City Korra and Asami were back at Satos family mansion. — did you mean Sato's, with an apostrophe?

Asami snapped out of her daze and wiped the drool off of her mouth. — lol

Asamis was impressed by Korras suggestion.

Asami ran inside her estate to call Chief Beifong as Korra wiped the sweat off of her buff physique. — to call? Is she going to use magic, or do they have land line telephones in this universe?

The birth scene contains a lot of statements that are simply common sense or common knowledge, such as that the gestation period was nine months, that the labour was painful, and that she knew she had to get the baby out. There's no need to go into such detail about the obvious stuff. Instead, try to think of origiinal statements to make about the process that interest the reader, preferably similes or comparisons, such as 'giving birth to Korra was more painful that that time I got a spearhead thrust into my abdomen and needed to be brought back from the dead using forbidden necromantic magic.'

It looks like we're almost there!" Senna observed as Republic City was in her sights — Republic City came in sight. However, again you're showing and telling the same thing. If she says 'we're there' the reader understands without being told that the city must be in sight.

I can't wait to celebrate Korras wedding. — Korra's, possessive apostrophe

"Korra I've never been more honored to do the minister duties for a wedding ceremony more in my life! — be careful not to double emphasise something in a sentence. It's actually very easy to do without noticing, lol.


Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


I liked the plot and the characters, especially the later plot developments. I like that your story has plenty of action and a strong equality theme. However, I found the narrative and the speech a little verbose and difficult to follow in places. The speech would sound more natural if it were more succinct and clipped. You need to learn not to tell what you've already shown in narrative.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .