Hi Damas
I found your poem at "I Write Romantic in Winter" .


GENERAL:
This was an interesting poem about desire. Rather than speaking about a single instance or example of desire, it instead spoke about desire as a concept. In truth, it was a poem in defense of desire, as it challenged the idea that desire was something bad or evil.


CONVENTION:
I'm not sure if this is a specific form or not, but it uses an AA BB rhyme scheme until the last four lines which use an AB CB rhyme scheme.

That we lose sight of everything else in our mind.
Staying fully entranced, completely hypnotized.
This couplet stood out to me because it doesn't rhyme. I couldn't see any reason for it. Maybe you changed a word and forgot to fix the rhyme? Not sure, but I'm pointing it out just in case.

When in it’s presence we can become devote.
Although 'devote' is a proper word, it doesn't fit in the sentence, or seem to rhyme with 'without', so I think the word you actually wanted was 'devout'.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
To desire means to want, to want to hold, to want, to love.
You say 'to want' twice, once before 'to want to hold' and once after. Not sure if that was deliberate or accidental repetition...

Don’t ever think that that to desire is evil.
You've got an extra 'that' in there.


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
A place where those without desire have always fell
Although this rhymes with the previous line, it feels awkward. If you're not going to use 'fallen', I'd have a play with it and see how else you can express the same meaning.


FAVOURITE LINES:
Desire has turned beggars to kings and turned empires to dust.
It has watched civilizations rise, and broken men trust.
I really love how you finish this couplet. 'Broken men trust'. Definitely my favourite part of the poem.


FINAL NOTE:
There's a few minor spots to tidy up, but overall the poem works well. It's easy to read and easy to understand. I enjoyed reading it.
Elle

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