Hello, A. D. Sharp

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Your opening paragraph is fantastic. It immediately hooks because it has this reader wondering what's going to happen that's so surprising in the next ten seconds.

The end hook is also fairly strong, raising the question of why somebody is so interested in having the protagonist killed.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Kurron isn't really a very sympathetic character. He's sympathetic to the extent that someone is trying to kill him, so we might feel sorry for him, and yet his nonchalant attitude leads us to suspect he may frequently have done things in the past that would justify this. I mean, there's no indignation or questioning in his mind about being attacked, he just thinks it's normal. Him feeling sorry for the alien when he takes his money doesn't really work since he must know by this stage that the alien was a hit man sent to kill him. I don't get the feeling that I know Kurron by the end of the chapter. I know he's human and he's called Kurron, but I don't know his age, status, occupation, if he has any family, anything much about him. If I compare it to, say, the Hunger Games, which is probably the biggest best seller in sci-fi in the past decade, by the end of chapter one we know that Katniss is sixteen and slim, has a dead father, a pathetic mother, a kid sister she really loves, an on off lover called Gabe, she likes to hunt in the woods, she wears leather boots and her father's old hunting jacket and her hair is tied up in a plait, and at the end of the chapter she's wearing a fancy, hand-me-down dress. Another big sci-fi success in recent years is Divergent. After the first chapter, we know Tris is sixteen, has a brother almost exactly a year older, two parents, she's wearing drab, grey clothes because everyone in her Faction wears such things, and we know the basic tenants of the Abnegation Faction's beliefs, and that she really admires the kids from another Faction, Dauntless, and wishes she were more like them, and she's embarrassed that her brother is better at being selfless than she is.

Kurron simply feels flat, as if he's only there to follow the plot rather than being a person in himself. I mean, his inner voice is okay, but he just lacks interests beyond the plot that would make him feel real. I imagine that in your head he does have a lot of shape, hobbies, family, background, job etc etc, but you just aren't letting any of that show in the story. Your biggest opportunity is when he returns to his apartment. If there were objects, pictures, documents, anything he glances at in passing that hint of a life beyond the plot, then it would add depth to him.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?


I'm going to say yes. I'm assuming the main conflict is somehow related to the disintegration of society mentioned in the chapter and that somehow Kurron is the key to holding everything together.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


The chapter began well and ended well, with hooks and action. However, for me the fight scene did seem to drag a bit. I felt you spent too much time analysing actions within that scene, as if Kurron had all the time in the world to fight the guy. You see, part of the art of narration is making the reader subconsciously think that a certain part of the story is either slower or quicker depending on what the author intends. In fight scenes, or other truly intense action scenes, it's best to use short, choppy sentences full of action and avoid too much introspection. This will give the reader the illusion of the fight happening quicker.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?


Kurron has a strong voice. You're a good narrator. However, you do seem to suffer from typos/lack of editing, and should also consider the pacing of your narrative, using shorter sentences in action.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?


There is zero dialogue in your opening chapter. I get why, but it's not a good thing. Dialogue is an essential part of building up the character in the reader's mind. How he speaks to others says a lot about who he is. He could at least attempt to talk to his attacker in the opening scene, to ask him why he wants to attack him, or maybe curse him. He could speak to someone on the way back to his apartment. A lot of novels use a street vendor to help establish the protagonist's attitude to others, eg. by having him know the hot dog vendor by name, ask how his kid's doing now he's gone to college etc etc. This kind of character building is done in the lull between action scenes. You need lulls, obviously, so that the action feels more actiony, and your lull is the walk back to his apartment.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


The apartment is set okay, but the initial area he was attacked and the walk back aren't too visual. Also, I'd expect some interesting smells associated with the alien that Kurron experiences as he hits him, maybe, for example, like fungus spore as his spikes shatter under his fists. You need Kurron to see things around that give us a better idea of what this society is like. For example, there could be restaurant signs written in alien scripts that he walks wide of because the stench of the live blood worms they eat there makes him want to vomit… little touches like that add a lot to the setting by showing that aliens live side-by-side with humans and have different dietary needs and cultures etc. You need to help the reader to visualise this world by giving them a skeleton of basic facts around which they can form their own vision. Like, is the sky purple? Is the dirt green? Are most of the houses dome shaped? You did describe his area fairly well, but it still leaves a lot I know nothing about.


Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?


Not yet. There was nothing in the opening chapter I haven't seen before, and I few things I thought were a bit off, such as the DNA card I'll mention under suggestions or Kurron's lack of reaction or preparedness to be attacked given that it's happened four times before.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

Here are a number of specific things from your narrative:

I knew two things instantly.

I knew someone was trying their hardest to take my head off, and I knew I didn't want to feel that again. — I get why you're repeating the verb 'knew' for emphasis, but really you don't need it. It'll work better, imho, if you just write something like: I knew two things instantly: someone was trying their damnedest to take my head off, and I didn't want to feel that again.

As soon I felt the hard ground beneath me I started to roll away from where I assumed my attacker was. — this is an action scene, so you want prose that is as succint and active as possible, eg. As soon as I hit the ground, I rolled away from my attacker. When you're in PoV, the reader understands that the thoughts and actions belong to the viewpoint character, so they understand without being told that the protagonist is rolling away from where they THINK the attacker is. When you introduce words like 'assumed' then you're 'filtering' ie. you're reminding the reader that these are someone else's thoughts and not their own, creating another layer of text between them and the story beyond.

But their most recognizable feature were their large boney spikes that covered most of their face. — though this is pretty cool, it immediately made me think two things. First, why didn't he feel those spikes the first time he punched the dude? I mean, surely you'd feel a lot of pain if you punched a set of spikes? Second, if this attacker is so obviously alien, why hadn't the protagonist noticed before?

His clothes were typical for a Quinexx; high collared tunic and pants. — again, if this was typical for this race, surely the protagnoist would have identified him before punching?

30 years ago, travel to other dollar systems was looking and expensive — First, i don't fully understand this sentence. I suspect it's a typo, but I can't work out what it should say. Second, in narrative it's considered better to represent numbers in words unless they're really big, like a phone number or serial number.

When places on the front of a ship in the shape of a net — did you mean 'placed'?

They lost the war on crime before they even had a chance to fight. — the second part of this sentence came off a bit weak. Consider finding a better way to express this.

I swiped my DNA card across the scanner and waited until I heard the lock disengage — I'm not keen on this bit of technology. Two reasons. First, if you're going to scan DNA, why not a direct scan, like you put your thumb on something and it takes a microscopic sample? Second, if there was a card with your DNA on it, what's to stop someone stealing your DNA card and pretending to be you? I mean, that tech is only as good as the credit card tech we have now. Today, we don't even need to swipe cards because the chips can be read remotely, so this is actually a backwards step in technology in some ways.

At least there interior was a little more up to date. — did you mean 'the interior'?

and the far wall began scrolling the days headlines — day's - possessive apostrophe

Right next to four identical folders. — It sounds from this that you are implying that this alien is the fifth to have attempted to kill him. That raises a few problems about his viewpoint. You see, earlier he felt guilt about mugging the alien. If he knew the alien was a hit man intending to kill him, why would he feel any guilt? In fact, why did he leave him alive at all? The most confusing thing is that if four others have tried to kill him, why isn't he better prepared? Why doesn't he have a gun or at least a knife to defend himself?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.


You can write, you can hook, you have a plot. All those things are done well, and plot is the most important element of a novel. However, in my opinion, you don't adequately develop your character or your settings. I didn't really engage with him or get that suspension of disbelief, that feeling I'm there in the story.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .