Hello, SisterCrow

What I liked

I love the ending. It's a great twist.

I like the setting. It's really cool. Did they say 'autumn' rather than 'fall' back then? I'm sure they did, and that's just part of your setting.

What might need work

A few thoughts I had while reading:

Why have you set up the item as a folder rather than a normal static item?

I'd really like to know more about what baby bro looks like. Equine features? Does that mean he's like Pegasus? Surely you can tell us more, I'm intrigued.

You end fifty percent of the sentences in speech with an exclamation mark. Perhaps use a few less. The more you use them, the less impact they carry.

She giggled and pretended to object a shake of her head. — did you mean, …object, shaking her head. ?

I’m in love with a Leeds, — I don't understand what this means. What's a Leeds? Is that his surname? having read on, I see that it's his family name. Perhaps make that clearer here, eg. I'm in love with a member of the infamous Leeds family.

Mr. Thompson even promised me position when I---” — you don't have to use three hyphens in a row. You can get an emdash by holding down the 'alt' button and then pressing 0151 on the numeric pad to give you—. Did you mean, …promised me a position?

Sarah had never seen to the Leeds home — did you mean 'never been to' ?

There was bound to be tall tales. — were, not was

Richard knew this day would come — this line is a head hop to Richard's PoV, but more importantly perhaps, it spoils the twist at the end. You see, as soon as I read that, i knew Richard had a dark secret, I just didn't know what that secret might be.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .