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 Review #4266401 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  Yes. Poor Jake. His dad really drops him in it in the opening, lol. Characters — are they well rounded?  We're now getting some really interesting background on Mum and Dad, some of it a bit suspicious, hinting at a richer background history than Dad is admitting to. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Yes, the plot is clear, and the end hook is that Mum is going to give poor Jake some gip. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? It feels nicely paced as I'm reading, but thinking about the past three chapters, we haven't actually moved very far either in time or space. I mean, he's been talking with Mum and Dad about his history for three chapters now. Short chapters, but three of them all the same. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? I'm still not keen on all the Jake's mum/his mum/Vera stuff. Choose a name and stick with it. Calling her 'Vera' in PoV narrative doesn't work too well. Oh, and while I'm on that subject, how old are Mum and Dad? I'd pictured them as mid 40s, but I don't know anyone under the age of 90 with the name Vera. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? I like Mum's voice best. She has attitude. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? You could make better use of sensory information. There's coffee and they're drinking it, but Jake doesn't smell or taste it. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? As before, I like the gender issues and conflicts that arise. I also like the hints about Dad's background and what he saw. The theme of animal cruelty is a nice addition. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. A few thoughts as I read through: "We have talked it out love and eh Jake — you need a comma before and after 'love' since he's addressing 'love' in speech. You might like to consider an ellipsis after 'and' and again after' eh'. You can get an ellipsis by holding down the 'alt' key and then pressing 0133. "We have talked it out, love, and… eh… Jake Jake's heartbeat raced as he looked up — gosh. A teenager today who's shorter than his parents! How unusual. "You who know best — either 'You who knew best' or 'you who knows best' depending on whether you want it past tense or present. Love is being stuck with a stupid man in a god-forsaken country due to the fact he can't keep his mouth shut. — interesting. Now I wonder what happened to Jake's dad.  When his Mum got in one of her moods it was murder... / Jake's Mum seemed — okay, I'm going to address the Jake's mum/Mum thing again. If you say 'my mum' or 'the mum' or 'Jake's mum' then you're using mum as a common noun, ie. it's just a regular noun like table or chair and doesn't need a capital leter unless you're writing German. If, however, you say 'Hello, Mum' or 'Help me, Mum' then you're using Mum as a proper noun, a name, so it requires a capital. Jake poured the coffee and smiled to himself — at moments like this, don't forget the senses of smell and taste. You can engage readers better by sprinkling in a bit of sensory information. "Sit down, son and I will begin," his dad, joked. — in what way is this a joke? Are you attempting to mimic the beginning of Listen with Mother? It doesn't start quite like that. The soft red patterned carpet felt soft and warm under his bare feet as he kicked his loafers off and wriggled his toes. His dad sat next to him. — great sensory information, but remember to put cause before effect in narrative, ie. Jake can't feel the soft carpet until after he's kicked off his shoes, so have him kick off his shoes first and then feel the carpet. Odd! You can say that again." — Jake is a young American, so he won't have a full understanding of what £400 means, especially of what it meant twenty years ago. The dog owners and venue owner was sent to prison — were Well the trial came and went, and the mob boss got life, — this is contradictory. Earlier you said they got ten years. Jake narrowed his eyes. This part of the story didn't make sense. — interesting. I bet they were werewolves not huskies, and that's Jake's dad's connection with the supernatural and why the werepire left Jake with him, because she believed he'd halp. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. The plot is coming along nicely, but I do hope Jake isn't going to spend the whole novel inside his house talking to his parents, lol.  Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 10/24/2016 @ 7:38am EDT