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 Review #4267428 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hello again! Sorry I let the last review request lapse. I didn't realise my time was running out.  Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The initial tension with Mum is really good. As I mention under suggestions, you might like to add even more by having her argue over ownership of Jake's car. Characters — are they well rounded?  Some good character develipment in this chapter. I particularly like Jake's increasingly obvious OCD tendencies. Have you read Stephanie Meyer's Life and Death? The protagonist, Beau, has OCD and Jake kinda reminds me of Beau at this stage. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? I very much like the plot development in this chapter. I love that Jason is going to go with Jake. Of course, it was obvious from the start of the book, but it's great to actually get to that stage when they run off together.  Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? It's great to see that the pace really picks up in this chapter and the book feels like it's going somewhere. To be honest, the preceding chapters spent too long preparing for this moment and it should come earlier if possible. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? I still feel that the voice doesn't sound like it comes from Jake's viewpoint, though some of the thoughts are very good. See suggestions for details about my issues with narrative. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? I'm still really confused about Jason's voice. Is he British? In this chapter, what he says about Jake being British suggests he isn't, but when we've met him before he's had two very distinctive but different British accents. What's going on there? I'd recommend you read all your dialogue aloud and see how it sounds. Occasionally, the teenage boys sound a bit too mature, I mean, they use full structured sentences without much contraction. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? I like the coffee and stale beer in the kitchen and the general setting stuff that touches on Jason's mum and is used to further the plot. That's all great. Don't forget the sense of taste, though. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? As always, you've got some really interesting stuff going on in here theme wise. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. Here are some notes I made while reading through: So, she’s going to try and use the guilt card against me - You used 'try' three paragraphs up to establish this conversation, so perhaps just 'So, she's going to use the guilt card. - tighter. “Dad understands, and supports me in this.” - in this case, the two clauses are not independent, so a comma isn't necessary in front of the conjunction. This hasn’t changed how I feel about you and dad. - capitalise 'Dad' boy, she could turn quick. - the word 'mercurial' is becoming more popular these days to describe this condition, so you might like to use it. Tell dad I’ll phone him as soon as I can.” - Capitalise 'Dad'. Vera followed him downstairs and out of the door. - there's nothing grammatically wrong with the 'of' but you simply don't need it. To keep narrative fast paced, you want to make it as succinct as possible while still keeping the narrative concrete and interesting. I can't resist mentioning again that I'd rather you used one name for Mum that is consistent with Jake's viewpoint rather than calling her Jake's mum/Mum/Vera in different sentences. When did mum get so bitter and twisted? - capitalise Mum here. The basic rule is to capitalise 'mum' or 'dad' or 'son' etc when they are used as proper nouns, ie. as names, but use lower case initials when they are used as common nounes, ie. when you say 'his dad' 'her mum' 'my mother' 'their sisters' etc. He got into the car and started to pull away when his dad drove into the drive - I've mentioned the car before, and I think it's worth another brief mention. 1)cars are very important to teenagers, so within his viewpoint narration it needs to be more than just 'the car'. At the very least it should have a brand name, and in many YA books the cars are given actual names by their proud teen owners. 2)whose car is it legally? Jake just turned 18 and doesn't appear to have a job (or at least none has been mentioned) so he can't have bought it. So, at this stage, there's lots of potential conflict with Mom over ownership of the car. Even if it's registered to Jake, Mum might want to claim it's really hers because she/his parents paid for it. The car will be worth much more than the money Dad just handed over, and I kinda feel Mum isn't the sort of person who would let that go without a word. Tom Sullivan parked the car - I have to be honest and say that this threw me a little because I think of him as 'Dad' not Tom Sullivan. Of course I know that's his name, but when I saw a name there intead of Dad, for a fraction of a second I was wondering who he was. Only when she was out of sight did Jake’s dad turned to his son. - 'turn' not 'turned' “Thanks dad,” - capitalise 'Dad' “Take care, son, and good luck. I hope you find your parents.” -> “Take care, Son, and good luck. I hope you find your biological parents.” He turned into their street and parked in their driveway. - in the previous paragraph, Jake was thinking about Jason as an individual and not his whole family, so 'their' doesn't really work here. - He turned into Jason's street and parked in his family's driveway, perhaps. Jason stared at Jake. “You look like ****, buddy.” - you don't really need the opening tag because you're already described that Jason is looking Jake up and down before this in the same paragraph, so it's repetative. Jake shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck with the palm of his hand - I do actually love this gesture on his neck, but you've already used it once this chapter, so using it again here stands out too much, imho. Jason asked as he took the fished toast out of the toaster and buttered it -I think you mean 'finished' Jake shook his head and gazed down at the kitchen floor, - you've already established very well that we're in the kitchen, so we know that's where this floor is, and you don't need directonal components like 'down' when the direction of an action is obvious. Jason took a bite of his toast. - does it taste like dust to him or something like that to set the mood? You need some kind of taste or texture at this point however you decide to play it. Come on, buddy, tell me. Don’t keep me in suspenders,” he joked. - good joke. It's not really necessary to point out that it's a joke because it speaks for itself. She loved this kitchen… - I really like his OCD character in this chapter. and lifted one eyebrow, is you for real? - are you for real Jake spoke when he couldn’t take the quite any longer. - 'said' and 'quiet' Yeah, that sucks man.” - comma before 'man' Both boys lost in their own thoughts of what the future might hold- you need another verb in there somewhere, eg. Both boys became lost Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. This novel really improves as it goes on. My main thought is that the great development in this chapter would have been better around chapter two or three the latest, and that you shouldn't have spent so long hanging around with Mum or Dad if they're not going to be so important to the later story. Even if they are, you still could bring this in earlier, I feel. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 10/24/2016 @ 8:20am EDT