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 Review #4268467 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The chapter begins well with Jake wondering whether or not to tell his best friend his darkest secret.  Characters — are they well rounded?  I really liked how Jason not only accepted Jake's sexuality, but also revealed his own secret, though it was a tad hypocritical of Jake to criticise him for hiding it, lol.  I love where you're going with Derek, but be careful to grow him slowly rather than have him jump straight from douche to regular cool guy. At the same time, be careful not to make Jason and Jake sound too much like douches themselves. Within this chapter, they were pretty nasty to him. The girl deserves a name and a bit more development. She's kinda cool, and I think a name tag and a bit more interaction at this point would be good. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Plots still going strong. The revelations were major plot development, as was Derek joining them. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Pace is good. No complaints here. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? I feel you need to do more proof reading. There are multiple small errors, many simply typos or the wrong word (mallapropism). Maybe get someone to read a hard copy with a red pen and circle all the obvious errors for you. See suggestions below for things I noted while reading. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? Dialogue appears to be improving. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? The motel could have been introduced in a little more detail, and the poor car is still neglected. Describe the car a bit. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? Well, you already know I like your themes. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. Here's your "to do list" for today! Jake was shocked at his friends reaction, - friend's Should I tell him my other secret, how will he react to that one - I think you need to divide this into two sentences, and use a QUESTION MARK on both I'm going to tell him, he has a right to know what a freak I am before we travel too far. - Either make this two sentences where the comma is, or use a semicolon. Jake pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the car. / Jason pulled over to the side of the road and turned the engine off. - I think you've done some editing at some point and changed both the driver and when they stop. You have Jake pulling the car over, then a few paragraphs on Jason pulls the car over. Either they're in different cars and shouting through the window, or this is a continuity error, lol. Jason shifted his weight in the driver's seat and signed. - assuming that Jason is driving and the Jake pulling over is the error, I think you mean 'sighed' here not 'signed' Derek shrugged. "Come on girls," - comma before 'girls' The girl winked. "The rooms are $10 a night. Is it a single or a double you want? The girl grinned... - first, how can she tell him the price before she knows what size room he wants? Second, the girl does a few too many actions, and it becomes distracting. Third, $10 is exceedingly cheep, and I don't buy it. Decide what area of America you want this to be, then Google for motels there and check the prices on their websites. "Number 12 on the left, you're a bit late for the kitchen, but I could make you - I'm not American, as you know, and have never stayed in a motel. However, in literature and movies they only appear as a collection of shacks and a reception hut, so I don't think that they'd have a kitchen as such. Ask an American, lol Derek nodded, waved and headed towards the room. - this seems a tad out of character for Derek. Yes, I know he's going to grow on us, but at this stage you don't want to make him sound like a Butlin's Redcoat. Maybe, Derek grunted, then nodded. Jake took some of the money that his dad gave him, picked up a shopping basket and started shopping for essentials while Jason bought some chewing gum and a book to two. - aim to use succinct, active and confident narration that harbors no doubts, eg. Jake took the money his dad gave him, picked up a shopping basket and shopped for essentials, while Jason bought chewing gum and two books. Jason glanced at Jake. "Look, if you don't want Derek to come with us, well we can ditch him tomorrow." - this sentence and the following one really confused me. Earlier, it was Jake who wanted to bring Derek along against Jason's wishes, but not it's Jason worried that Jake is too upset over having Derek here?? Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. I really liked that Derek has joined the gang. I feel that he's the character with the most potentially interesting character arc, so I'm looking forward to seeing how he develops. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/24/2016 @ 8:44am EDT