Hello Hanna ~ Be Kind 💕 !

This is your local and frolic like Sb here. I'm reviewing you on behalf of the Simply Positive group and stumbled across your piece thanks to your feature in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter. Let's get rolling!

Corrections/Suggestions

First impressions- I like this female character from the start because she clearly has a tough, outer shell. She basically has a body language that says 'don't mess with me' that we get an idea why later on in this story. I like her liking her blood red lips and how you have body language going on here. She shivers, he tips his hat, all sorts of different things to picture within our heads.

They looked like they certainly had a story to tell. -

I feel like we may have switched POV here? I may be wrong with this but it feels like we jumped into his head for a moment accessing that they certainly had a story to tell. Also, I would maybe play with this sentence since it's presumed she's got some stories to tell with the revelations we find out later about how she just killed someone.

it seemed to her a thousand thoughts must be rushing through his mind. -

This is a repeated point since above this part we had her literal thoughts highlighted in italics how she thinks up ways to explain the blood on her dress. Such as walking over a murder scene... which is pretty funny in its own right. So, I'd just play with this part so it's less telling and not repetitive of the part above.

Things Which I Enjoyed
I like the feel of this female character, you can tell that there's a lot she's hiding or trying to hide. Which fits the mystery genre incredibly well. You have some great body language going on especially in the beginning of this story and how you set things up. You give us a feel for the place 'it's cold, she shivers' and different body gestures she makes. This paints a picture for us to imagine and you did this all within a restricted word count.

Overall Comments
Overall, I thought this is a strong start to a short story but there's just little areas here and there to tweak. I like how you painted this strong female character within a limited word count. She has a lot to hide and a dangerous past that we aren't quite sure what happened. There are just a few repeated points within here and more telling parts. I hope this little review of mine is helpful. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing! =D



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .