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 Review #4270272 |
| Hello, John Yossarian  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Thank you for asking me to review your short story. Overall, I really liked it.  Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  Although I enjoyed the story as a whole, I had issues with the opening. You see, the tone implied from the grubby notes and the gun under the desk and her furtive behaviour implied that the club was somehow criminal and did nothing to establish her age and appearance. Left to my own devices, I thought she was a gangster madam running maybe a large drug importation business or brothel… something very sinister. And I imagined that she was about sixty. There's no reason I should have imagined she was sixty, but her position in charge of what appeared to be a large and profitable club with criminal links indicated she would be at the very least middle aged. When T Bone first appeared, I thought he was her deputy. His nervous entry into her chamber suggested he walked in fear of her. It was only when he put his feet up on the desk that I realized he was at least her equal, and when he massaged her that I understood he was her lover, and only when her viewpoint expressed fear of him that I began to understand she was younger than I thought. Only when she wore tight jeans and thigh high boots did I fully understand her age. All the above I'd normally comment on under character, but here the initial set up left me so confused that I thought it better to mention it up front with initial hook. I should also mention that there's no initial hook at all. A hook would be a question the reader wanted answering, a promise that something's about to happen, or clear conflict in the first paragraph. There's no hook at all until the issue of perfume on T Bone's clothes is brought in. You need something up front to draw the reader in more, to engage them. Having said all that, I kinda liked the smell of money thing. Though it made me think she was much older than she actually was, liking the smell of money says a lot about her as a person. Characters — are they well rounded? Once I'd figured out their ages and relationships, I liked all three characters. Pooh is sympathetic because her hubby is such a douche. Her motivations are understandable, and she has a lot of character. It's clear to see from the reactions of minor characters to her that she's a charasmatic person who is generally liked. However, since we're in her head and she's the protagonist, it might be nice to get to know a little more about her. A specific age might be nice. For example, if she thought something like 'When I graduated from high school ten years ago, I never imagined T Bone would become such a douche, or that my life would take this direction' then we'd have a very clear idea of how old she was. And, since she's the key person, something beyond the immediate plot would be nice to round her out a bit. Something querky would be wonderful. For example, I recently saw the Guardians of the Galaxy movie with my kids, and the main character had collected some of those little plastic pixie dolls from the eighties and stuck them on his spaceship's dashboard. Those dolls were so out of place that they added a huge amount to his character building in a second of screen time. Pooh, given her name, might have a collection of Whinnie the Pooh teddies in her office, or maybe she has a framed Ace of Spades playing cards from antique playing cards spread around the room. It doesn't matter what she's in to, just so long as it's not directly related to the plot and so makes her feel somehow more real because the reader can perceive that her life does not begin and end with removing men from her life and taking over the bar. Hubby isn't so sympathetic. These days the villains in stories often have some kind of redeeming feature, but he's just a nasty piece of work. Consider letting him have some small redeeming feature so that he's more three dimensional. A common redeeming feature in criminal types is expression of care for other people. For example, T Bone could ask the barman if his kid is out of hospital yet. It's only a small gesture of humanity, yet it would make him more human, more real, without changing what a douche he is to Pooh. Chris is a bit shallow, but that works. You need him to be a non-entity to make Pooh's using him in this way viable. I mean, he's got to be a bit dumb to actually get into a shoot out situation like that, and especially to keep on going after he's been shot. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? The plot I like very much. It's a great setup. No complaints there. Pooh's conflict is very clear from the moment T Bone's addiction and dalliances are introduced, and the resolution is very satisfying. There are a few minor plausiblibility issues. For example, Pooh receiving texts/talking with Chris on the phone just before, and her handling the gun. In a double death situation, the police would most certainly check the phone records of all people concerned and check fingerprints on the guns etc, so she should be careful to put on surgical gloves, and the phone she uses to contact Chris should be a disposable that she dumps in the trash, or even better, in a pick up truck that's about to leave the carpark. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?  The first five or so paragraphs are slow. After that, pace is great, especially toward the end. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Your voice and language are exceptional. Really fits the story. Great stuff with the smell of money etc. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? Yes. The dialogue was great. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Though the inside of the counting room was set up very well, it lacked the feeling of being part of a bar until later in the story. Maybe the noise of customers in the background as T Bone opens the door? The smells etc were great. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? The feminist theme is clear and easy to distinguish. It's built up well from the portrayal of Pooh as a wronged woman showing the traditional viewpoint moving on to her ascendance to big boss at the end and parallels in the wider world. Personally, I don't think you needed so many examples. Just a casual, the President is a woman now would do, without all those other examples from the military etc. By the time this gets into print, she will be, barring any miracles in the next few weeks. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. A few minor notes: Pulling a rag from his pocket, he swiped it across his brow. - a guy who likes to flash around money and picks up girls would perhaps have a silk handkerchief rather than a rag? The back office of The Red Bird Lounge held a battered wooden desk, an old leather recliner and an ice machine that hummed sedately in the corner. Cases of beer stacked along the walls left little room for T-Bone to maneuver behind Miriam and rub his hands along the tense edges of her shoulders. - this description comes far too late to be useful. Consider giving it when T Bone enters rather than as he's moving around her. She was p**** at his cavalier attitude towards her club. - as the story progressed, you first say it's her club, then it's his club, then it's their club. For example: like he owned the place. Which, she reminded herself, he did. I got kinda confused over that. Perhaps establish clearly in the opening that it's a partnership, then use 'our club' instead of 'her club' afterwards? She picked it up and saw the text: by the dumpster - As I said earlier, this text would land her in prison if this was her cell. Have this a disposable one, not her regular cell. Ideally, she should have never contacted Chris on any regular phone, cell or landline. "He said it was one guy and he was coming sometime around one." - throughout the story, you frequently have sentences made up of two clauses joined by a conjunction. Be aware that when two independent clauses are joined by a conjunction like 'and' or 'but' or 'so' etc, then you should have a comma before the conjunction, ie. …one guy, and he… Miriam's eyes broke from T-bones - T-bone's - possessive apostrophe. Then she picked up the revolver and returned to T-bone. - at this point she needs to wear gloves to avoid the fingerprint issue. "A woman's gunna be president, women are astronauts and soldiers. I it's time things changed here too - suggestion. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. As I said up front, overall I loved your story. If you can clarify the opening and bring in a better initial hook, this will be a fantastic short story. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/27/2016 @ 1:53pm EDT