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 Review #4270849 |
| Hello, TristenKozinski  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Thank you for asking me to read your first chapter. It is a strong opening to your novel. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?   You open with an interesting setting, but there's no plot, no character building, and no conflict at all in the first two paragraphs. Surr is introduced, but his rank and importance to the story are not at all clear. The story only begins in paragraph three when the first conflict is raised, that the wagons will not go much further, but this potential conflict is then immediately quashed by resolution in the very next paragraph so that there's no tension built up at all. You may want to move the implied danger up, then have Surr uncertain how much further they have, so that your opening begins with a serious question and implied danger, allowing tension to build before you resolve the problem. Also, her statement, to be honest, is contradictory to the later narrative since when the inventory is taken it appears that their wagons have actually done a lot better than is usual, so she shouldn't be so concerned. From a plot conflict viewpoint, and also as a foreshadowing of danger, you might like to have the forest observed to have been more dangerous even than usual and the damage more severe than is usual for this time of year… things which imply danger and build tension rather than resolve issues and imply everything's just hunkey dory right now.  Characters — are they well rounded? I like Surr, his lady protector and the blue dude with the bad attitude. Surr is an interesting guy with his magical abilities and sympathetic in his desire to help the Chiary and his obvious past rescue of Keira. He's not as well rounded as he might be, though. Usually in these sorts of beginnings, at moments when danger is contemplated (like when they leave the forest and discuss the danger of what's ahead) the viewpoint protagonist will think of their wives and kids or something that allows us to glimpse how old they are, what kind of family they have, and sometimes a little of their interests. At the moment, he's all about the plot. There's nothing he does and thinks that is not directly related to plot development. Even rescuing the Chiary is only to enlist his help to kill the Emperor. Keira is interesting, but it's not at all clear what she is. Because nothing is said earlier on about her species, the reader will assume she's human, and then when it's mentioned rather late that she isn't, it's liable to disrupt the flow of the story and may even cause a break in the suspension of disbelief. You need to show us somehow what she looks like, how she's different to human. The Chiary is clearly sympathetic, but his behaviour is implausible and his lack of name inexplicable. I mean, he was cowering for the bullies, but then the guy who is so scary that the bully wets his pants and runs away doesn't scare the Chiary at all, and in fact he gives Surr lip. If some big scary dude rescues you from a bunch of less scary dudes, you don't turn around and insult him with your first words. And is there a reason you don't name the Chiary? It's the standard protocol in these situations… "Hey you, blue Chiary dude. What's your name, boy?" Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Yes. This Empire is an evil, Nazi empire. The guys there are cruel bullies. The Moorish lord wants to remove the evil emperor. That's clear and also good. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Yes, your story is fast paced. It does have a slow opening scene, as noted under hook, but everything after paragraph three is fine. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? You have a high standard of prose. Everything is clear except for using 'guard' both for the bad guys and the good guys within narrative. Choose another word for one of them, like maybe troops or militia for the bad guys. I did find some issues in the narrative, but no biggies. I've listed them all under 'suggestions' below. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? No big problems here. They can speak. I had a few thoughts while reading, and those are listed under 'suggestions' below. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? The buring forest is a great notion, though I feel you need to do something to make it sound more plausible as a long term place rather than a temporary disaster, such as mentioning that it's enchanted or something to explain why the flames never go out. Also, you don't make it clear whether this is a natural barrier surrounding the inner kingdom or is only protecting it on one flank. Some smells in the tavern might be nice, such as maybe baking bread? Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? Themes of racism and good overcoming bad. That's cool. Can't complain about that. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. These are some notes I made while reading through: Thais was their true tithe, and the reason their grain quota was so low. - Did you mean 'this' at the beginning of this sentence? the wheels in particular because iron soles could only do so much when the ground was live ashes. - two thoughts. First, the horse's hooves were rubber-soled. So, why iron for the wheels? Second, would that be 'soles' or 'rims' or even 'tires' for the edge of a wagon wheel? I found this site regarding American wagon wheels which described them as steel tires: http://www.wagonwheeldirectory.com/wagon_wheel.html He caught sight of the telltale green smoke to the east of their position and returned to the wagons. - presumably there are many outposts along the border doing this, though I can't see why they wouldn't simply have a road along the border with regular signs pointing to the nearest outpost rather than keeping a smoky fire going. If they use a fire, perhaps each outpost has a distinctive color to help travellers know where they've arrived? Another thought is that outside the burning forest, there would be roads, and that people entering the forest would always enter at the same point and take the easiest looking route, which would tend to lead to the creation of a trail even if there's no paving or deliberate cutting down of foliage to create a road. but we'll still need to replace a few wheels if they're to reach the capital." - it's the wagons and not the wheels that need to reach the capital, so perhaps rephrase this a little? "Are they aware those ramifications will extend to them and that they are under no compunction to continue?" - although this is great plot development, it strikes me as the author addressing the reader rather than the king addressing his officer, because he would have asked this question before his men entered the burning forest, not afterward when they'd arrived in enemy territory. She rose and departed, marking her way toward a cluster of pale-skinned men in sleek green armor - 'marking'? Did you mean 'making'? "If you doubt my loyalty to the Emperor, then I would remind you that I have sworn oaths to this kingdom that would make your heart stop. - Two things. First, this oaths made me wonder how he could murder the Emperor. Is he an oath breaker? Second, if he's an Emperor, it's an Empire not a kingdom. His oaths would be to the Empire or to the Emperor. Usually, oaths are made to the person and not the land in monarchies, for obvious reason. I live in the UK, technically an Empire because the Queen is Head of State of various separate kingdoms such as Australia, Canada, New Zealand etc. (Yes, they are kingdoms, in spite of their modern nature and descriptions as commonwealth nations. They have a head of state who is a queen, thus they are kingdoms). However, oaths of fidelity when joining the army etc in this country are made to the Queen. The small, blue-skinned creature scrambled to his feet and then away from the guard, - Surr is there with 'a quartet of his guards' and this man who rises from the table becomes a 'guard' within the same paragraph, though he's clearly been there for a while. It's very confusing that he's 'a guard' and Surr's men are also guards. "Come on, send the other girl back!" - the victim is not a girl, so 'other' here is confusing. I assumed that the victim was female until the masculine pronoun was used in the following paragraph. "That moor prince of yours might call you a soldier, but that won't stand here!" - Two things. First, 'moor' was capitalized earlier in the narrative as 'Moorish'. Why not here? Second, I'd say 'won't wash here', but that may be my British accent.  Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. Except for the slow opening and lack of depth to the three main characters, I found this to be an interesting and engaging opening. Think about adding more of an initial hook, perhaps by having their exit from the forest less quickly resolved and so more dangerous feeling. And maybe add a few details to Surr's life within his thoughts, such as family and something to make his age clearer. Give the poor blue dude a name. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/28/2016 @ 11:38am EDT