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 Review #4277216 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  The chapter begins very well with resolution of the cliffhanger from the last chapter. Characters — are they well rounded?  I like Hassorev. He's certainly a sympathetic character, and he adds to this eclectic mix of personalities. However, I'd suggest you stop calling him boy in narrative after his name is given out because it's potentially confusing. I like that Jason is jeallous of Jake taking an interest in Hassorev because this says a lot about his true feelings for Jake. However, I'm not too comfortable about Jake thinking naughty things about Hassorev and getting irritated with Derek over pawing him because Hassorev is Jake's cousin. It's a bit close, imho. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? I like the new revelations and issues coming in with Hassorev, though I'm not happy to see a potential interest in him by Jake, as already expressed. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Yes, we're getting there. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Still lots of small narrative issues. See suggestions. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? I didn't expect you'd have so many key characters. Potentially, dialogue is going to get very complex from now onwards. I'd suggest you consider 'catchphrases' and key words for each of your characters in order to make it easier for readers to distinguish their voices. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Good sensory information in the cafe. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? Still good, but I'm now concerned about two things. First, a potential relationship that would be considered incest in several English speaking countries even if not so much in the UK. Second, a fifth gay character, if he is gay. Diversity works in multiple directions. It's great to have diversity in literature, but you've got to have representatives from every community to make it truly diverse, if you catch my drift. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. Jason jumped back as the boy opened his eyes, sat up and smiled. - to improve narrative flow, always put cause before effect. In this case, The boy opened his eyes, sat up and smiled. Jason jumped back. he asked as he put his hand out to support the boy climb out of the box. - offered his hand to assist the boy's climb out of the box. My name is, Hassorev - no comma. You use a comma only if you're addressing Hassorev, not when it's Hassorev saying it's his name. Hassorev turned towards Jake and smiled. Jake stood there as his jaw nearly hit the floor, I can see right through him. "My cousin?" Jake stammered. - Since the last thing Hassorev said was to Jake, he must already have been facing him before this section. No need to state that these are Jake's actions twice in a row. Ideally, place Hassorev's actions in a separate paragraph to Jake's actions. He looked rather pretty and... - be aware that since he's just stated that he's his cousin, this may come across as a little obscene. Use ellipsis rather than three periods in a row. Three periods looks like..., but an ellipsis looks like… and can be gained by holding down 'alt' then pressing 0133 in sequence then releasing the 'alt' button to give you… Derek put his hand out for the boy to take - since the boy now has a name, I suggest you use it. With four boys walking together, calling any of them boy could be confusing, lol. Jake held the heavy door of the cafopen - unless a cafopen is a new kind of shop I haven't heard of, this may be a typo His stomach started to grumble - started is a stall word which you don't need here. - His stomach grumbled. A waiter came over and took their order. She was soon back, - He, unless it was a waitress "Ok, so who are you? How long have you been in that box? What do you mean, you're my cousin?" - since he's already answered the first and third question in extensive detail, I didn't get why he felt the need to ask again. I mean, this is my first read through and I already know his mom and Jake's mom were sisters, and he's given his name which is being used in narrative, ie. in Jake's thoughts. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. The novel is looking good so far, but watch out for issues that could potentially discourage readers at this stage. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/24/2016 @ 10:54am EST