%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4278062 |
| Hello, DMT - THANK YOU WRITE.COM  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?  Hassorev's shifty behaviour in the opeing paragraph forms a nice hook. I couldn't help but be curious what he was hiding. Characters — are they well rounded?  You've continued to show Jason's jeallousy of Hassorev really well. Derek's interest in Hassorev is also clear. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Your plot thickens with every chapter, lol. Be careful not to create too many plot threads or people will begin to get lost. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Yup. They're finally on their way to England. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? The language of this chapter works fairy well. A few suggestions below. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? The characters' voices work fine. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Although the airport was nicely introduced and described, I was really concerned about the ticket buying scene. It's extremely rare to be able to walk into an airport and just pick up three (or four if Hassorev needs one) tickets for the very next flight to the UK. Most airlines sell off their last tickets cheap online in order to ensure there are no empty seats on a flight. The ticket buying process was more like a railway station than an airport. Every time I've flown to the States, I've telephoned a travel agent and booked a flight through them, and the flights have been with different airlines each time. That was years ago, and these days I'd more likely buy a ticket online. There aren't ticket booths as such usually in airports, though each airline company will often have a stand where tickets can be purchased if necessary. Basically, the whole ticket buying scene seemed unusual compared with my various real life experiences. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? It's still all good, thank you. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. "Well I think Jake and I should only go to England.. - the way this is written, it means that the only country they should visit is England. However, from context, I think you really mean: I think only Jake and I should go to England, which means that Hassorev thinks only he and Jake should go. "War! What you mean war? - What do you mean war? He glanced at Hassorev who seemed more interested with a stain on the car floor than the conversation - would 'foot well' be better than 'car floor'? "Three adults." - ?? Derek, Jason, Jake and Hassorev. Does Hassorev already have his own ticket? It was warm in the airport and soon the boy's eyes began to close. - did you mean boys' - plural possessive? Jake woke up with a start, someone called his name. The voice was so close. He opened his eyes and glanced at his watch - this may only be my understanding, but when you write 'woke with a start' to me that means he's alredy opened his eyes, so when I got to 'He opened his eyes', I was confused. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. The plot and character development in this chapter is great, but the ticket buying scene just seemed off to me. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 01/17/2017 @ 9:44am EST