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 Review #4278281 |
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| (4.5)| Hello, Fifthwood  Before I start, do not forget, writing's an art, so do not fret if you should find that I am blind to your fine flair, and be aware this opinion — it is but one. When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header. Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?   You have a fantastic, action packed story here. Your opening does not really reflect that. It introduces the setting, but is a little misleading over the character. It successfully introduces him as a youngish man who is single, and it does have some conflict since his date hasn't turned up, but his lack of interest in dancing and wishing to drink instead rather gives the impression of an inactive person, and there's absolutely no hint that he's some kind of super fit kung fu master or ex special services type who would be capable of the action that soon occurs, which means that the sudden appearence of his skills comes somewhat out of the blue. I'm not a Lee Child fan, but I have read one of his novels and seen how he introduces Jack Reacher to a potentially unfamiliar reader. He shows Jack sitting at a table (like your character) but has him observing the other people suspiciously, making military style judgements about threats etc, which lets the reader know both that he's aware of a potential threat (like your charater is) but that he has the military background and training to deal with it. When your guy gets into action, it came across as a little implausible. I mean, he was introduced as a broker who doesn't even like to dance and likes to drink a lot, but then suddenly it appears he has military training. Later on in the story, you state that 'Brokers were assassins and spies, not bodyguards'. Once that's out in the air, everything that came before it made sense. However, I personally would never have connected the title 'broker' to an assassin. To me it means someone who buys and sells shares at the stock market, or possibly the buyer for a large retail corporation or sales director of a manufacturing corporation. Characters — are they well rounded? Once the introduction is over, John is an interesting enough character. His attitude to Ms Shadix made me smile and also made me like him. However, be aware that except for in the intro blurb (which is not part of your story) you don't actually name him. Even though a girl appears with a nut in her hand and could have asked, 'Hey, you're cute. What's your name?' or the police officers later could have asked him. Or his boss could have addressed him by name. It seems that in your story his name is not important at all. The first time it is mentioned is about a third of the way through in the line: “I’m John Carrio. Ms. Shadix’s new bodyguard.” Always remember that it's easier to subconscously bond and engage with a protagonist when you know their name. His expertese at the first meeting also comes out of the blue, like his martial skills earlier. I mean, we now know he can fight because we've seen it, but suddenly he's an expert on assassination, more apparantly than anybody else in the room (although several are high ranking security officers), and yet nobody there appears surprised by his vast wealth of knowledge. Personally, I'd have suspected him as being an assassin sent to kill her who was interrupted by the police, lol. The main problem with John is that he isn't a very rounded character. I mean, other than the fact he's a skilled broker we only know one other thing about him, and that is that he likes girls who enjoy a quiet meal for two. We don't know if he likes films or novels or music or poetry or sports or anything that's not directly related to the action main plot and romantic subplot. To make him rounded, you really need a few small details that give him a life beyond the plot, such as maybe a photo of a kid who livees with his ex-wife (a standard in this trope on TV) or maybe some tickets to the opera that he didn't get to use because he was busy on this case. Whatever you show about him, if you make it not directly about the plot then you'll make him more three dimensional. Alia is by far my favourite character. You do a great job of showing rather than telling her personlity. However, like with John, you could give her some interest beyond the plot to build her up, such as parents on a ranch and she likes horses or something. I feel she needs a bigger presence in the story since she's really a major part of the subplot and resolution. Ms Shadix is also well shown. I like how you show her character through her treatment of other people. She's actually the best built character in the sense that she does have elements of interest that are beyond the plot, such as her business interests and her friends. She is the only truly three dimensional character you currently have. Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial? Really interesting premise here. I think this story has lots of potential. However, I still feel it needs a bit of work. The first action is a bit implausible. It kind of reminded me of the recent robbery of Kim Kardashian in Paris where the first question everyone has to ask is, 'Where was her bodyguard?' If this society is as dangerous as your story implies, there's no way a celebrity like Ms Shadix would be in a crowded nightclub full of young and drunk people without several bodyguards and possibly an assistant or two. To have her walking out of a club into a dark street alone is just implausible for somebody in her position. Yes, I know that you stated 'Remi was notorious for not having bodyguards. She said they cramped her style. This was not the first time she had had stalkers.' However, let's be realistic. If companies in this society routinely employ professional assassins, and she's a person who has problems with stalkers anyway and is heir to a company, she's not going to survive long on this Earth without major security lol. Later on, think about implausibility in terms of her sending away the security team and also only employing one bodyguard. Firstly, she's so wealthy that she would have a whole team of assistants, so she'd send one of them to the shops. Secondly, she's frightened enough to accept a bodyguard for the first time, yet she still sends away all her guards and leaves the gates open. Third, you can't expect John to work 24/7 and stay awake, so he should be in charge of a team of guards, not just himself. The actual success of the attack on John and co was extremely implausible. To be honest, it made John look like an idiot. At that stage in the story, he'd already established that there was a professional broker of some kind targetting Ms Shadix and seen how lax security was at the house, so really he should have taken serious action to improve security there, such as more cameras, more alarm sensors etc, and there should have been several bodyguards rather than just himself. I mean, he was expecting an attack exactly like the one described, but then he'd done nothing significant to prevent such an attack happening. If you want to make things more plausible, think about what she and John should have done and then get to assailant to overcome them. For example, in the opening scene have a bodyguard follow Ms Shadix, but the assailant take him out with a stunner before John intervienes. In the final scene, have John put in extra security, but the assailant turn up with a team of people or something so that John doesn't look an idiot and his ability to defeat all the team of assassins makes him look even more cool. Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere? Your pacing is fantastic. No problems here. Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? IMHO, you're one of the better writers I've come across so far on this site. Don't be worried about my extreme criticism in this review. All the things I've pointed out are easily fixed. I did notice a few problems inline (which I've listed below under 'suggestions') but nothing major. Your character has a very strong voice, and I like John very much as a narrator. Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building? Your dialogue is very plausible and realistic. All the characters voices are fine. Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes? Settings are great. I particularly liked the mood change dress. Robert Jordan used the same in his Wheel of Time books, and I liked it there, too. Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality? I do like this future where companies employ professional assassins as a matter of course. Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement. She’s alright I thought as I stood up. - If they're things he thought and are being reported exactly, you need to put them in quotation marks or italics. Personally, I just make the whole narration the protagonist's thoughts so that I don't need to use either technique. I use 'all right' rather than 'alright' because 'alright' is still only an informal word, a contraction not recognised by some dictionaries. “Oh better than that,” Coleman slid off my desk. “Come with me - watch punctuation. The tag here is an action tag, so end first speech with a period and the tag is a stand alone sentence. xtra mile because they were taking care of her highness Remi Shadix. - titles are part of a name and so should be capitalised, ie. Sergeant Bilko, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, Her Highness Remi Shadix I chose a seat. Setting my coffee cup down I adjusted my tie and sat up right at attention. - it was a bit rude of him to take a seat before he's been asked, especially in front of such an assembly. the man raised to his feet and walked out with his assistant close behind. - there's something awkward sounding about 'the man raised to his feet' to my ears. Also, since he's already been identified as Mr Shadix, it sounds strange to call him 'the man' instead of just 'he' in this sentence. a second room that was not quite as large as the bedroom, but was still bigger than my bedroom. - suggestion: but was still bigger than my whole apartment - to emphasise her relative wealth. “On the bright side if you need anything, I’m right next door.” - if she blushed after she said this, it would imply a deeper meaning to her statement but not conflict with her obvious nervous disposition. Winking would be too bold for her, I fear. “They are for Ms. Shadix’s on line stream,” Alia informed me. - If he'd done his background research, actually glanced at her online presence, he'd know this. Anyway, online is a compound word, 'online' not 'on line'. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/online In the mean time I would like to see the presents my CEO mentioned - meantime is also a compound word. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/meantime The chord was not to strangle her. - cord A lightning bolt arched from the blackness of the room and I dropped. - earlier on in the story, John states that he doesn't bother to take along a stunner because it wouldn't work on a broker. However, here it works extremely well on him. Contradictory. Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story. John is a really interesting character with a great voice. This could be a really wonderful story if you gave the main characters more depth, removed the possible confusions over John in the beginning by bringing in his name and what a broker does earlier, and strenghtening the plot to add more plausibility. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing. Best wishes, Bob     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/29/2016 @ 4:40pm EST