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Review #4278706
Viewing a review of:
 The Dance  [13+]
A metaphorical picture of the grandeur and evanescence of love and youth.
by Brycen J. Garland
Review of The Dance  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Brycen! Nixie, here. I found your story listed on the Newbie page.

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Overall Impression
I'm not sure I understood the metaphorical part of the story. Something is metaphorical when you use it to stand for or symbolize another thing. Everything in this plot felt real. The fire, the city burning, the fantasy dance.

I guess one could say a person becomes lost in love. A city ignites (first love) the forest burns, (deep into the relationship) and then extinguishes that emotion. (Love rarely lasts, and often causes pain.)

A few thoughts
This story would be much easier to read if there was more paragraphing and spacing. Right now, it's presented as a block of text, which can be off-putting to some.

Nothing active occurs throughout the plot. The amount of unnecessary words weigh heavily, slowing the read, and distancing the reader.

Also, I wondered how the couple could flee into a 'dreary' forest if it was already on fire.

I think if you keep this as a YA romance/fantasy, you're on safe ground. It's the reference of metaphorical that confused me.

Lasting Impression
Because the entire story is passively written, I can't think of a way to show the difference between active and passive writing. A quick fix would be to search for all forms of the verb [to be] which would lead you straight into creativity.

One only improves by writing, editing, and writing more. Reviewing helps a writer see what does and doesn't work. It's the same for everyone. So keep writing!

Please remember, I'm only one person with an opinion. *Wink*



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