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Review #4278725
Viewing a review of:
 the day when man has won again  [E]
it was a saturday morning and my friend had invited me to a moose hunt....
by Henry
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi, Henry. Nixie, here. I found your story by searching the Newbie page.

Welcome to WDC from
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The hook
I could have chosen from many stories, but the curious nature of the title made me want to investigate. Did you mean 'the day man won again'?

Overall Impression
I completely agree with the point made in this story. Life is about waiting, and waiting is futile. What does life mean if all we do is wait for something that may or may not happen. Okay, you didn't exactly say that, but I extrapolated a bit.

A few thoughts
I never understood hunting and killing an animal. The man seemed both satisfied and conflicted. He enjoyed nature, but not the waiting. When the ultimate moment arrived, he felt sorrow, and an understanding of what must be done. The human mind is conflicted and complicated.

I've often witnessed communication between humans and animals. Cardinals seem to be my sign that everything will be okay. When I'm in turmoil, a cardinal always appears, one time even flapping his wings to stay directly in front of my window.

I've also seen an animal recognizing imminent death.

*Idea* Okay, so a few problems here. Remember to capitalize the proper pronoun [I]. Remember to capitalize the first letter in every sentence.

The story would be more effective if written in an active vs. passive voice. Fiction is immediate. Avoid using any form of the verb [to be]. Practice word economy. Ascertain that every word in the story is necessary. For example, is it important to the reader to know this happened on a Saturday? The less said, the better. Let the reader experience the action.

Lasting Impression
You captured the essence of a conflicted man. Removing the unnecessary words will bring the story into focus. In the conclusion, the man must show an act of mercy by killing an animal. In my mind, that means [Man won again.] Not "Man has won again". Am I misconstruing something?

You have a wonderful story to work with, should you decide to practice active vs. passive writing. The scenes are clearly shown, the man's emotions can be identified with. Or, leave this story and write another. The point being, Keep Writing!

Please remember I am only one person with an opinion.



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